I know that my youngest is on the Spectrum. I knew when the doctor wanted to first talk about the positive aspects of the testing. I knew when she didn't come right out and say it's not Autism. Heck, I knew it when I spoke with her on the phone and should have realized it when she dropped the hints. I should have known it now because I knew something was off years ago. I just couldn't fathom that we'd be the 2 kids on the Spectrum family. Surely God would spare us that.
I know that now we need to go down the rabbit-hole of social groups, books, and therapies again. I know that I will always know this information - I can't un-know it. I also know it will effect each and every decision I make from now on for her. I know I've spent years hating Autism for what it took from my son - at least what I imagined it took from my son. Now I know that the very thing I have been hating all of this time has been what makes my other child so special. God truly has a sense of humor. I don't say that with the bitterness it may communicate though - I truly think He is trying to show me that Autism isn't necessarily the big bad boogeyman I've let it be in my life.
When I told my bosses at work today, they prayed for me and our family. Prayed the blessing that God has truly made us unique individuals crafted by Him. They prayed a blessing on her and reminded me how special she is and how loved she is. So now I also know that God is God even when it's Autism.
I also know that the experts tell parents that they need to grieve when they get the diagnosis. I've been down this road before and I get it, but I'll do it again because what else can I do? I'll grieve the safe, little, life I constructed for her, and will eventually be ok with the fact that it may not be what I envision. I'm not there yet though. Heck, I don't know if I'm there for my son and it's been almost 10 years now. But here's another thing I know, life goes on whether you are ready for it to or not. Yes, I am upset. I'm scared and I'm angry - angry that this happened to my family again and angry that I didn't let myself see it sooner. I was so glad that she didn't present like he did, that I quickly told myself that we dodged that bullet again. I'm angry that I'm angry because what gives us the right to think our lives will be trouble free? I tell my oldest all the time that we all have stuff to deal with - every one of us. No one is immune to the pain of life. But, couldn't we have been spared this one again? What I really hate is that when I look at her now, I see the label. I put her to bed one night and she was my little girl. The next night, she was still my girl, but now I see the specter of Autism hanging over her head.
Now we have to make the bigger decisions. Do we tell her? When do we tell her? Will she see it as a special gift that she has, or will she dislike herself because of it? How do I find God in the midst of the diagnosis? Will He make provision for even her? and him? Will they both be ok? Will their secret hopes and dreams come true, or will they be shattered into little pieces. But then again, what parent doesn't wonder about those things for each of their children?
So now we know.
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