Lately, I've begun to remember something I had long forgotten. It may not seem like a big deal, but to me it is. I've begun to remember what it is to parent a "typical" preschooler.
See, when Harry was a toddler/preschooler, our lives were upside-down crazy. I was worried about if he'd ever talk, could he be potty trained, would he ever be able to leave his teacher Ms. Diane and go on to a mainstreamed classroom. The list goes on and on. I remember mourning the loss of not being able to have the intimate parent/child relationship that I had with Abbey.
What I didn't realize is how much that time in our lives scarred me. See when Abbey was this age, it was all breezy and easy. Sure we had our struggles, but nothing compared to seeing Harry through those years. Parenting came easier because I could actually communicate with her without printed schedules. We could have back and forth conversations that actually made sense and weren't only about her current obsession.
Anna Kate is at the age now where the differences are so striking compared to Harry. I find myself slipping back into the more familiar pattern of parenting. We have conversations (and she talks a lot!). She is interested in everything around her, wants my interactions, craves our attentions.
I love my son dearly. I hate having to sort through the filter of Autism. Constantly on my toes looking for ways to help him understand things he should have gotten long ago. It's not because it's more work - although it is. It's the constant worry about how he will manage in life. My girls will be fine - of that I have no doubt. It's not even that I worry that Harry will live with us for the rest of our lives. It's the fear that he will not be able to be alone. Who will help him when we can't?
I know that God knows and I'm supposed to take it to Him. I do. As a parent though, I can't turn that part of my brain off. I actually feel guilty in some ways for being so relieved at the easier form of parenting that comes with Anna Kate. We do struggle - but I know I'll be able to get my point across to her somehow - or with time she'll eventually get it. The question is - will Harry?
