In our church small group, we recently started a study of a big titled "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality". At first, I thought "this is nice". It sounds like something people really need right now. Boy was I in for a rude awakening.
I believe that God brings different seasons to our lives. Sometimes they are for teaching, growing, rest, or whatever. Only He really knows. Little did I know that this would be one of those growing times.
The book starts out explaining how we can't have a healthy spiritual relationship if we don't have a healthy emotional life. Very few of us come out of our family of origin unscathed by something. Some are worse than others. Mine was worse. Having seen my share of therapists and having said my share of prayers over the last 20 years, I thought I had dealt with all of my issues and was in fact, fairly emotionally healthy. But just like an onion has many layers, so does our psyche. I think God moves through each layer as we can handle it, allowing us time to heal and regain our footing before peeling off another one. It isn't an exercise in masochism as much as it is an exercise is helping us achieve wholeness - well as much as we can this side of heaven. If we are blocked emotionally, we can't be fully open to Him spiritually.
Last week we had to journal for a few minutes as a group about what makes us sad, angry, disgusted, etc. Also, we were supposed to write about what excites us. I couldn't write anything for that, but had plenty to say about everything else. To make it worse, it's all stuff that is completely out of my control.
I have moments of happiness and excitement - but I don't live my life in that state of being. I've come to realize that I live my life locked up - afraid almost to experience it because I'm used to hurt and it seems like that is the more common theme that runs through it.
After having dinner with a friend last week, I came to realize something else. I think I live that way because I couldn't really depend on my parents. My dad was sick most of my young childhood and died when I was still young. My mom pretty much emotionally abandoned me after that. All I had was me. I spent my life learning to build a pretty thick wall and a pretty strong self-reliance. My defense mechanism is to shut down and shut out.
People talk about God as Father, but I don't really get that. Intellectually, I do, but on a gut level, I don't yet. Now I think I am starting to understand why.
Today I pastor preached about our longing for home. That need to be where we belong and are accepted, loved, etc. I had moments of that as a child and try to create that now. But the truth is that we all have that longing in our soul. What we have here is just a hint of what we will have in heaven.
So now we continue the study and I try to assimilate the new knowledge and figure out how to change the behaviors and processes I've developed into new ones. I want to achieve that emotional health because I really do want to be spiritually healthy too.
