This pregnancy was a shock to say the least. I was filled with anxiety, yet I was convinced this was God's gift, so He would see us through it. I was becoming adjusted to the thought that our family was expanding (again), and while I had no idea how we would handle it financially or physically, I was also at peace because I knew He would provide everything we needed.
Now that chance at a revised plan for my life has changed (again), I am left saddened by the loss of possibility. Not that this is the first time this has happened. This will be my 3rd miscarriage. The doctor was baffled by the loss since I was nearly in the 2nd trimester. It was the same time frame for the other 2 as well. I have to keep reminding myself that I am also capable of bearing life because I have had 3 live births. One of the things I hate the most is that feeling I'll have when I wake up from the procedure. That hollow emptiness.
I don't know why God does this. The cost was higher this time. All 3 kiddos knew about the baby, lots of other people knew about the baby. Now we had to explain that it died to the kids. That's a hard idea to explain, yet their lives had not yet been impacted by the baby. Their lives go on as normal.
Meanwhile, I am also fielding questions for the youngest about whether we will be able to bury the baby in the backyard like we did the pets as they died. Hubs explained that they won't let us bury the baby in the backyard. I was inwardly screaming, "why not?. It's our baby, our loss. State law doesn't recognize that it was a person worthy of burial until it's 20 weeks old. Why can't I take it and show it the respect it deserves? Now it will be disposed of in some ghastly way. This breaks my heart into pieces because to our family, this was a person with a soul, not simply tissue. In our faith, we believe this was a God inspired person. Now it is reduced to being called tissue.
It feels profane to me that this is the end. Our final remembrance of the life lost. I want to ask why this happened, what the meaning was in all of this. A good friend told me to not worry about the meaning right now. To sit with the anger and sadness and just let it be.
Usually when I am confronted by huge change or loss, I shut down. I tune out everyone and retreat to my own private thoughts. This time, I am trying not to do that. I am trying to remember that this is a loss felt by my husband, our children, our extended family, and even our friends. Most of all, I am trying hard to view God as the source of my comfort instead of the cause of my grief. There is a song I love called "Your Grace Finds Me". I am constantly reminding myself of one verse over and over again. This is what I am trying to hold onto this time.
"I'm breathing in your grace,
And I'm breathing out Your praise
Your grace finds me "
