It's sorrow for those left here

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." C.S. Lewis

A good man died today. His name was James Poe. He is among the first of our "peer group" to go, although he was older that most of us. He had surgery for a hernia a year ago that went wrong. Somehow, his liver ended up being injured which led to numerous illnesses. He has been in and out of the hospital ever since.

He has left behind a wife and 2 children. A daughter in college and a 12 year-old daughter. We worshipped with them all for a time until they decided to attend a different church. I work with his wife. She has been an inspiration to watch over the last year. She has maintained her faith and held fast to it while watching her husband do the same. Now she must continue the journey they began together - alone.

It's all so cliche about how there is no grief in heaven and how we should rejoice when our loved ones go to heaven, and that's true. But there is the day in and day out that begins to creep in. The heartbreak and loneliness. Your partner not there to talk about the day with. Though you know the one you love is safe, healed, happy, and loved, you are left to carry on during this walk on earth. Now she has to help 2 girls walk through the loss of their father. She can do it. She has the faith and the courage. But she will need help and prayers.

I have a besty that I joke with from time to time about being the next wife for my husband should anything happen to me and her husband. I half mean it because I think they would be a good fit and I want someone to look out for him and my kids. Goodness knows he and I have discussed all of the contingency plans of what I'm supposed to do in the event he should die before I do. He's taken out a life insurance policy on me because he knows how expensive it will be to hire someone to do my "job" around here. I'm sure most couples have these talks. Now with the passing of James, it seems a little too close to home. Our distant "plans" could actually have to be put into effect one day.

C.S. Lewis is right, grief does feel like fear. For Kathryn and her family, they'll be in our prayers and we'll do what we can to help them through.

It isn't Facebook itself...

I've decided that I am just about done with Facebook. When I first started, I was very careful about who I "friended". Then I started accepting requests from people I knew, but sometimes only remotely. I am always careful about what I post - what you post stays out there for everyone to see. If you delete it  - chances will be that someone saw it anyway. I never post anything I wouldn't say to a roomful of people.

When I was in Junior/Senior high, I was subjected to lots of drama by my "friends". Hurtful things happened and were said which left me feeling powerless. I was afraid the same thing would happen on FB, which was why I avoided people I didn't know, etc.

Since this is public forum, I won't go into the details, but things made it back to me this week regarding a post by a "friend" on Facebook, but someone I know in real life as well. The post - while I never saw it, from what I was told, was hurtful and mean depending on the interpretation of the acronyms and context.

She misunderstood a situation and reacted which caused drama and stress for me and her. Once again, I find myself feeling like I did as a teenager and am hating it. Clearly, I have issues, but I REALLY wanted to leave drama behind. This person and I have talked and we'll move past this, but the wake of the event is there and has to be dealt with. People tell me I take things too seriously, but this is who I am.

Even though she has "unfriended" me (not the first person to do so, but at least I have an explanation this time),  but it got me thinking. Why is FB important to me? Why did I get an account in the first place. What do I want from it? Really, I wanted a way to quickly connect with people I knew, friends, and family. Share funny stories, cute pictures, etc. My friends list has grown too large and I've done some trimming. Mostly people I haven't had any direct contact with in a long time. I gave a brief explanation, then culled the list. I may trim out more.

I'm almost ready to delete the account altogether, but then I see things like a picture of my sweet new niece, a word of encouragement from my brother, a zinger from my NY friend, or an amusing quip by one of my besties, then I decide to leave the account active and just enjoy the people I see or talk to a lot. For now at least....

not a happy anniversary of sorts

This was my dad in 1977 sometime around my birthday. The picture isn't totally flattering, but it is reflective of him. He had an infectious personality and seemed larger than life to me. He died on September 4, 1982, when I was 11 years-old.

I  don't think I've ever really chronicled that day in print before. Parts of it are burned into my memory and I'll never forget them. Parts are gone like a mist - I can almost see them, but then they disappear.

His death wasn't a surprise - he had been struggling with various forms of cancer for years. I remember that last summer - he was at the house in a hospital bed in our living room. We had a parade of nurses in our house and my mom was exhausted. Nobody told me how bad it was. In the late-summer, my nephew Nicholas was born. My sister, her husband and new baby moved into our home for a few weeks so daddy could spend time with him. I should have guessed then.

I started 7th grade in the fall at a new school anxious to see a friend that had moved away a few years before. For the first time in months, someone asked me over for a sleepover after the Junior High Football game on Friday nigh (Sept. 3rd). He insisted that I go - I'd been in the house too much he said.

So I went and got into a terrible fight that night with the friend I was so excited to see. It seems she wasn't so glad to see me. The next morning - from the sleepover, I called to apologize. The mom of the girl I was with came to me and said that she was taking me to the hospital - my dad had been brought in. I still didn't get it. I knew it was bad, but had no idea.

Somehow, I got upstairs, but I don't know how. All I remember is seeing all of these family members around. His mom, my momo just looked at me and said "He's dad cha." My oldest brother hurried over to get me and I think I asked if it was true. He just walked me to the hospital room where my mother stood silently. He was there - but he was gone. I remember seeing him, but that's not the memory that usually shows up when I picture him.

I remember being in a courtyard at the hospital with my mom and brother-in-law. She was clutching him and screaming - I could hear the echoes of the building. To this day, I can still hear it.

I remember riding in a car, watching the city fly by as we headed home. I remember thinking that nothing would ever be the same.

There were people in and out for days. We had a big memorial service. My mother cried a lot. My grandmother scolded me for watching TV and my sister fussed back at her reminding her I was still a child.

Then it was all over. People left, I had to go back to school and with that he was gone. Not from my memory, but from my life.

A nurse told us that she had prayed with him before he died to ask Jesus into his heart. I didn't quite get it at the time because my dad was always a religious man. I get it now - she told him the Truth and now he is in heaven and I will get to see him again.

I have so many questions for him. Did he know it was the end? Is that why he sent me away that night? Is he proud of me? My logical mind says yes, but I've made so many mistakes in my life. Has he been watching over me and now my children? What was it like for him when he finally heard the gospel and believed? What was he scared of? How could he have been so positive about a special needs child when at the time, it was looked at as a horrible thing? What were his passions? What was his childhood like? On and on it goes. I want to know the mundane and the important.

I still have dreams about him - that it's all been a big mistake and that he just shows up one day back into our lives. He left me at such a tough age to be a kid. I don't feel like I really knew him (I was the last of 4). But I loved him and thought he was the most powerful man in the world. I was just old enough not to understand that he was human, capable of mistakes and regrets.

I can't wait to talk to him again now that I am grown with children of my own. I can't wait to tell him all about them. How brilliant Abbey is, how much Harry looks like him, how funny Anna Kate is. I can't wait to introduce him to my husband - a man I know he would approve of. I really can't wait to see he and my mom together again. In a place without the worries of the world and the harsh words that can be spoken here. Most of all, I can't wait to be with both of them in peace and love for eternity.

testing and ant updates

Hi all - I am trying out this way of linking my blog to my profile which is the main reason I am writing a post.

As a follow-up to the ant situation here goes: the borax/sugar mixture actually worked well, but I went ahead and bought some bait traps that seem to have done the job. We have had a stray ant or two today, but so far none tonight. Thank goodness they are gone. Now, if we could just get the new fridge....

Did I mention Harry is shopping online for it? I'm fascinated by how it's going to get here. I keep picturing UPS or FedEx showing up with this gigantic box. When I asked him how they ship them, he looked at me with this blank look and said "that's what shipping companies are for". So much for my imaginings of UPS rolling up the driveway with my new appliance. Moving companies seem so much more boring and anti-climatic than going to the store and having it delivered, but if we can save some big money this way, then I'm all for it!

ants and fridge problems

Apparently, nothing good really happens while Harry is out of town. He's been gone for a few days and my house has gone to the ants! The problem started a few days ago, and now I am in a never-ending struggle to rid myself of these menaces. They are the little black ones, so thankfully, they don't bite. "What have you tried?" you may ask. Well here goes:

 

1. Vinegar water solution: didn't even kill them or slow them down
2. Smash technique - therapeutic, but not effective at getting to the nest
3. Tonight at 2:30am I got up for water. Found them swarming an EMPTY sink and counter (yes, I cleared everything off today).
4. I've just laid out some borax mixed with sugar. Supposedly, this is another "green" way to get rid of them. I'm not hopeful
5. Tomorrow - er..later today, I am going to the store to buy ant traps.

So you're probably thinking, just find the nest and poison that. No can do. They don't come from a particular spot and swarm my whole counter. I even removed the outlet cover and carefully, but with great revenge in my heart, sprayed ant spray while praying I wouldn't electrocute myself. My husband did it once so why can't I?

What these ants don't know is the level of stubbornness they are dealing with. There is a lot in my life I can't control, so somehow, I am just BEGGING for a project like this. Clear-cut and to the point - find and kill the ants. I'll let you know how the traps go.

In other news, our 15 year-old fridge is just about dead (again, right as Harry was leaving town). Last month we were looking at new ones and he decided to wait since ours was still perfectly good. I acquiesced, but expressed my concern. See our house is 15 years-old, so the spot to put the fridge can only accommodate a 35 inch model. All of the new, fancy ones with freezers on the bottom and fridge on top and water in the door are wider than that. My concern was that if we waited for the current fridge to die, we wouldn't have the luxury of shopping around. Turns out I may be right.

My neighbors, God bless them, came to my rescue again. They sell ice cream on the weekends and brought me a freezer that I can dial down to use for the fridge items (we had a small freezer that I moved frozen foods to a few days ago). Now, I'm afraid we'll be using that cooler for a week while my wonderfully thrifty husband shops around; or worse, looks for some "part" to attempt to repair the 15 year-old beast.

Stay tuned for more exciting adventures from our family *sarcasm intended!*.

Not bad all things considered

So yesterday was a bit of a let-down for us. We went to a pool party at a pool we don't normally attend. I was busy with the baby, but was checking in on Harry from time to time. Apparently, the "lifeguard" was a little too watchful of him. I say lifeguard loosely because she isn't really one - more like a rule monitor.

She stalked me down to complain about Harry not going down the slide properly and threatened to ban him. I told her he was Autistic and I would speak to him. She informed me she was a teacher but couldn't have children disobeying the rules. After a few other run-ins, I left with the baby and let my husband take over. She was mean and belligerent with him even calling him honey. He told her his name wasn't "honey", it was Mr. Bulbrook and a little respect on her part would go a long way towards solving the problem. She accused him of being "aggressive" and stalked off.

While I have shortened the narrative, I have detailed it all for her bosses in a letter that I have fired off. My question - although rhetorical at this point is - What is she a teacher of? She certainly didn't act like a teacher that understands Autism. Although, one time I did have one teacher refer to special needs kids as "those kids" when she went on a tirade to me one day (not knowing I was one of those kids moms and he was sitting right there)! Be careful what you say people! I also emailed her boss to let her know what a poor example she was setting for the school's reputation. I didn't tell her I was a special needs parent - that was on a need to know basis and she didn't need to know.

The point is people need to step back and chill out. I was just on a parent panel at TEACCH this week trying to explain what we go through. This was a perfect example. I was polite, but really just wanted to yell at her. That's ok - my letter will get my point across even if no one listens. It was so frustrating for me to watch her stalk my son waiting for any chance to call him out. I didn't interfere to much because he also needs to learn that people can be very serious about the rules. He also needs to develop more social awareness of what people are thinking around him.

On another note, we had a big milestone today. Harry has been saving his money for 6 weeks to buy a Buzz Lightyear toy. Every week we had to count the money and every time we went to Target, we had to visit the toy. Today he had enough money and proudly got to buy that toy. I'm so proud of him. Before he was saving for Buzz, he was saving his money for a wooden Amtrak train set he really wanted.

He is learning some real world skills and patience and I couldn't be more proud of him!

What's your passion?

Growing up I never had the benefit of pursuing multiple things until I discovered the one "thing" that I loved. My mom and dad put me in piano lessons and that was that. My best friend took dance - boy was I jealous. My siblings played in the high school band. Briefly, I was on the flag corp in my high school. My days were mostly spent consuming pop culture and taking care of my brother.

I have friends that love to run, exercise, scrapbook, take photos, paint, etc. I have never found my passion in life. Why has this become so important now? Maybe because I am almost 40. Maybe it's because I know that I can't continue to consume pop culture and every tasty snack I can lay my hands on and hope to live another 40 years. Maybe it's because I feel like a hypocrite.

I was having a talk with my dd Abbey a few weeks ago. She has had the chance to try numerous things, but still hasn't landed on the "thing" she loves. She's great at lots of things, but gets bored. My husband says we need to make her stick it out for a while, but I have. She's done numerous basketball and soccer seasons. Danced for a year and did gymnastics for a year. She also took art classes after school for a year (which she'll go back to until April has her baby).

I was trying to explain to her why she needs a passion. It's something you can pursue any time. You can actually write something when asked what your hobby is. It's an outlet when you get too stressed. I think some of the reason I struggle with my weight is because I don't have a passion. I end up bored and eating instead of doing other things that make me happy.

Some people assume that because I work with kids and have 3 of my own, that children are my passion. Nope. I love my job and my kids, but goodness knows I need a break from both. Others assume my passion is all things Autism because we know it intimately. Nope again. I need a break from that too. I am passionate about both things, but they aren't my hobby.

So what things interest me? I like to take pictures. I do like to write (this blog is an example). I have a book idea, but no clue how to get started. I've always wanted to take a cake decorating class, but have never been able to carve out the time (probably a good thing with my weight where it is now!). Lately, I've been thinking about taking up the piano again.

I'm not sure what my "passion" or "hobby" will be, but I intend to find out! What's yours?

I know I haven't made peace yet

I know I write a lot about Autism in this blog, but it's one of my few outlets to express my feelings about our struggle with Autism and how it effects our family.

I had the pleasant opportunity to meet Susan Senator recently. She wrote the fantastic book, "Making Peace with Autism". She was exactly what I expected - warm, funny, and sane. Somehow, over the years, she has found a way to make peace with the big "A". I found myself itching to ask her THE question: If you could take away Nat's Autism now, would you? This is a question I think about a lot. My answer is yes.

Lots of parents answer no, that the Autism is what makes their child who they are. To take it away, is in essence, to take them away. I don't feel like that. I think it would help me get to know my son for who he is - I wouldn't have to deal with the roadblocks that Autism throws my way. He wouldn't have language and comprehension issues. We could really talk to each other.

I like to think that I have accepted Harry's autism with the grace that it requires to be able to do such things, but every once in a while, something happens that shows me that I haven't really. The latest thing was an invitation. Harry has been invited to a few "typical kid" birthday parties. It's been fantastic to see the way some of the kids at school have accepted him. This week, he got 2 such invitations. The first was from a child I know really likes him. The second caught me off guard. I was giddy from the knowledge that other "typicals" wanted him at their party.

Now don't misunderstand me on this. Harry has some "auttie" buddies that he hangs out with a lot and has attended numerous auttie parties. These are like an oasis in the desert. I love these kids and their moms - it's not hard and they don't bat an eye when one of our kids is acting out. It is just what it is. My life has been enriched so much by these relationships, but sometimes that specter of acceptance pops up and I have to wrestle through it again and again.

all stressed out and nowhere to go!

So I'm a little stressed out right now. I love my kids - really and truly. Right now we are on summer break and ending our 2nd week of no camps for Harry. For those of you who don't realize what it's like to have a kid with Autism, you can't begin to understand what that statement means. I wish I could be one of those parents that loves the summer break because I get to spend my time with my kids doing wonderful and fun things. The fact is, that's not me. I do love doing things with my kids, but with Harry it's an all-out struggle to keep him stable over the summer.

All of this means that his behavior is deteriorating. He is falling apart. Tantrums, crying jags, scripting, finger flicking, and odd moments of mania have begun. What's the answer? A nice consistent routine of course. So you may ask, "Amy, since you know how bad it can be, why don't you provide your son a nice, consistent routine?". Well my friend, I also have a 2 year-old to consider. She doesn't exactly work on a routine that allows me to keep my 6 year-old busy 8 hours a day without some of her own demands. This is why there is a problem.

With Harry, even if we go somewhere every day (which we do), it isn't enough. He needs to have the same things happening at roughly the same times every day to be truly happy and in his element. With the laid-back pace of summer, that just doesn't happen.

Some may say, "why not put him in camps all summer?" Easier said than done. Not every camp out there provides structure every minute of every day and we can't afford all of those that do. So we make do. Next week he's going to a day camp in Carrboro. I'm hoping for the best but am not at all sure what will happen when he's there.

I heard Dr. Phil say to one family that you reach a point where you say you can't live like this anymore. The problem is, I don't know what to do to change things. With two other kids in the mix, I can't customize a day just for Harry. I do the best I can but feel like I'm losing the battle because I am so exhausted by the demands.

Any ideas?

What was that?

I'm not sure what I saw today, but I feel like I've been run over by a mack truck.

Our Preschool Director was fired this week. From what I've been able to determine, it wasn't because of her job performance, but rather for "personnel issues". We as a staff went to the church to give her support as she said good-bye.

The pastor refused to let her speak, so her husband stood to address the crowd. Then it turned ugly. I won't go into the specifics, but what I saw was not a good witness to the people there today.

I love our director and have been proud to work for her. She is good at her job and I will miss her so much.

The display today worries me more than anything else. What does it say to new believers, or people on the fence. How did today's actions hurt the kingdom? The pastor defended his position, but at what cost?

I am so sad for what happened; however, God is still in heaven and still in control. His plans are what will be the final outcome. Now I will be praying for the people who were there today.  I also want to pray for myself that I will not have a hardened heart, but know I am where I am for a reason.  The families and the children are still what really matters. Showing them God's love and acceptance - not bitterness or scorn or unforgivness. Now more than ever, I'm on mission there.

Which should I rant on tonight?

A few days ago, I just knew what I wanted to rant about. Then today another story hit me from out of the blue. Apparently, a mother in Colorado has killed her 6 month old child because he was showing signs of Autism. She and her husband wanted to have fun in life and knew they couldn't with a severely autistic child. Are you freaking kidding me? Her excuse is that he was showing early signs of it. She didn't want to burden her husband with a - wait for it - POTENTIALLY autistic child. Of all of the selfish things I have heard people do before, this one takes the cake. The worst part is that the pediatrician says the child was developing normally. She placed blankets over his face, then went downstairs to plan a vacation. Well, now she's going to get a certain kind of vacation and it won't be fun.

I don't know if she'll end up in jail or in an institution, but this lady deserves either choice. I'm sure that there is some mental disorder at work here, but that doesn't give her the right to be judge, jury, and in this case executioner.

By 6 months of age, some symptoms can begin to emerge, but a child isn't diagnosed with Autism until they are at least 2 in most cases. There is a reason for that children aren't diagnosed at 6 months - you JUST DON'T KNOW! As a specialist who works with Autistic kids, she should have known that.

Sheesh - now to my next rant. Some of you may have already heard the story about the Saudi sheiks that are recommending women breast-feed males colleagues and acquaintances in order to avoid breaking Islamic law. One sheik says they should pump then let the men drink it out of a glass. Another one says they should get it directly from the source. Are you kidding me??? EWWWWW! What planet do these people live on. I am speechless about this "argument" they are having!

I am so grateful that God has freed us from the burdens of the laws of old by giving us Christ as a sacrifice. I know the Jewish people had to do all sorts of weird things in the Old Testament from watching what they ate to what they wore, but the point was that ultimately man is unable to keep all of the laws, and therefore unable to save himself. Thus, God sent Jesus to fulfill the law for us. I am so glad to have this freedom and not have to listen to men argue about who I should be breastfeeding and how!

"For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death. For what the Law could not do,weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, so that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit." Romans 8: 2-4

Finding your way through

This posting today is for a specific friend out there. She'll know who she is, but if you are not her and are reading, please keep going. You may find something that inspires you when you are dealing with some tough stuff.

This friend is a very close one. She has been my mommy "auttie" buddy for 4 years now. Her oldest son and my son Harry met for the first time at a TEACCH preschool program where we got together to learn the method and learn how to deal with our sons.

She reminded me very much of a dear friend that had moved away recently, so I glommed onto her as a lifeline. Eventually, we became very good friends. We don't always see the world the same way, but I think we are good for each other.

Today she went back to TEACCH with her youngest child. An adorable little boy who just makes you smile when you look at him. She has been concerned since he was born that there would be something "wrong". He did have reflux, he has an eating disorder (poor thing is so thin a strong wind would knock him down), and he has sensory issues. Today, they found out he also has Autism.

Friend - while I don't know your exact pain, I still feel it for you. I know you are grieving again the loss of what expectations you had for him. I know you are angry, heart-broken, fearful, and sick to your stomach. You probably feel like you just can't do this again right now. I hear you.

Give yourself time to grieve. As an "auttie" parent you know that it's an ongoing process, but post-diagnosis is a very rough time. Allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself. Go ahead and wallow. I'm telling you all of this not because you need my permission, but because I understand the process.

I also understand you. After a while, you will rise up like a phoenix. You will take charge of your precious boy. You will continue to pursue therapies. You will continue to be the best mommy you can to both boys because that's who you are. God gave those boys to you for a reason. We don't know why, but He does. Please take comfort and solace in that.

You are their advocate and no one will do a better job than you. In the meantime, I will be your advocate to both you and the Father. Through any help or support I can offer you, to prayers to heaven, I am here for you. We have a love/hate relationship with Autism. It steals pieces of our children, but it gives us back a dynamic we can never have expected. Until you reach that place of peace again, I'll be here for you. And so will God.

In the meantime, take comfort in this verse. It isn't just for you - it's for your boys as well. When I get distraught about Harry, I cling to it for us both:
"I know the plans that I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jer. 29:11

Liar Liar pants on Fire John Edwards!

I'll confess, when he ran for Senate, I voted for him - but only because the other alternative was a horrible man named Lauch Faircloth. I had high hopes for John Edwards. To me he was one of the first ones to come up with the "change" philosophy of politics. Boy was I wrong.

I knew I couldn't trust him shortly after he started as our state Senator. Shortly after he entered office, he started trying to be President just like Obama. With very little experience and an eye turned away from his own state, I just couldn't support him.

He quickly became comical to me, especially when the video of him fussing over his hair more than a teenage girl would appeared.

Then there is this gem from him stating that he didn't like to attend State Fairs because: fat rednecks try to shove food down my face. I know I’m the people’s senator, but do I have to hang out with them?

Now, after the election has come and gone, we find out he had an affair and fathered a child. He spent so much time and effort to cover it all up, cheated on his cancer ridden wife, fathered a child, and still tried to become the leader of our country. Thank goodness enough people had the since to keep him out.

I feel really badly for this child. She has a mom who chased down a powerful man, got him to fall for her, and got pregnant. Her dad is no better, he spent the first 18 months or so of her life denying she was his. Now he wants to "come clean" and try to earn our respect again. Fat chance you big liar. Man up and raise that baby girl without benefit of the press. Try and pass on something good to her and don't use her for more press when your over-inflated ego needs boosting.

And to Elizabeth - I'm glad you are winning the cancer fight. No one deserves that. I don't know why you stood by him and no one probably ever will. It doesn't matter now. Go live your life, be there for your kids, and try not to see this man any more than you will have to. I read in the paper that you got the mansion - good for you. You earned it!

Just for the sake of silly

Ok - so one of my goals this year was to not be so serious. After reviewing my latest posts, I decided that it's time to be more silly. I give you (what I deem to be) an excellently funny picture:

Another one I find funny is this one. Apparently, this little squirrel just jumped in front of the camera as the shot was being taken on auto-timer.

At one point, there was an application called "The Squirrelizer" that allowed you to add the squirrel to any photo. It's since gone into hibernation, but here is a photo that I did of our family. Note how Anna Kate appears to be looking at it!

Got your attention? Good! This isn't about sex in the way you may be thinking - rather it's my free-flowing thoughts about why you shouldn't until you are married. Abbey turns 9 soon, and I have to have this talk with her eventually - so I'm starting to formulate my reasoning to her.

See - I always bought into the idea that you can't tell your kids to do things that you did. But - now that I'm a parent, I think there is great value in being honest about the mistakes I've made.

I hear some of you now - but sex is good, etc. Yes it is - but my experience proved it's better to wait. This isn't a soapbox piece per se (nieces do you hear me?), but rather a brutally honest look at the lasting repercussions of sex before marriage.

I met the guy I thought was the love of my life as a teenager. I had daddy issues (mine had died 4 years earlier), and was angry with my mom. There was a big hole in my soul waiting to be filled. Then HE came along. Oh my - when I saw him my heart stopped. When I realized he liked me I almost fell over. After we started dating, we eventually did the deed. Eventually, I got pregnant. His dad demanded I had an abortion to which I responded he could stuff it. It didn't matter, one week later (on Mother's Day) I had a miscarriage. This has followed me the rest of my life. Oh yeah - I also found out 5 years later (after being completely abstinent) that he gave my chlamydia thank you very much.

So why am I thinking about all of this now? Because he recently had another child. I know this because I am still friends with his mom and we are FB friends. While he already had a few kids, the baby was born a few weeks ago. I've seen pictures of him with his children holding his new son and beaming.

Still - 23 years later I feel the sting of our loss and I feel the pain of our breakup. I felt a lot like Bella in New Moon when Edward left her. In fact, I wept during the scenes of her waking up screaming from nightmares because I could relate to the pain she felt.

While we were in the midst of the end of our relationship, I became a Christian. This was a demarcation line in my life. When my life in Christ started, life with Darryl ended. In my mind, I know he's grown up, had his own struggles, and had his own kids. So did I. But somehow, in my heart, he remained that idealized boy that was my first love, who broke my heart, and left me with a loss that will always be there. I look at those photos and wonder if he even remembers. Harry and I have lost a child as well and we still think about it and talk about it from time to time, but I swear I think about her almost every day 5 years later.

This is why I am against sex before marriage. It violates a moral belief for me now, but not only that - there is no telling where the relationship will go or what scars you will carry for the rest of your life.

New Year's Resolutions?

New Year's Resolutions? Perfection? Who me? No way!. I am not perfect nor am I a resolution kind of girl. I used to make them and then get disheartened when I broke them, so I stopped.

But, like our pastor said in church today, it is natural to take stock and evaluate your life at the end of the year.

He said a lot today that got to me. He talked about what is it in our lives that stands in the way of our seeing God. What is it that stops us from being joyful in his glory?

Before I knew it tears were rolling down my face. Things have been rough here for the last month or so. It's easy to blame it on Harry and his "issues". We've been so tired - Harry and I just want to sleep to escape things I think. Anyway, it occurred to me during church that the things that keep me from God are my anger and issues with Autism. More importantly, it seems that I am still angry with God because Harry has Autism. This seems to be what makes me so mad all of the time.

I thought I had moved past that part of things, but apparently not. I want to yell about how unfair this is - I don't want a special needs child. I don't want a family divided - raising three different children in three different ways.

But, we all have trials in life. No one is immune. Am I at peace that I have a child with Autism - No. I don't know if I ever will be. Am I learning that it's not a curse? Yes - but it still seems unfair to the child and the family that is afflicted by it. But - I believe in a sovereign God that is in control, so there is some reason that this is our path in life. Note I didn't say mine - it is our family's path. This is but one of many challenges our family will face. But isn't that what families do? They grow together - they love each other - and they deal with what happens no matter what. At least they are supposed to. That's what I plan to tell my kids and teach them.

As for resolutions -I don't have any, but I do have goals.

• I believe that journaling is good for the soul. I intend to do that in the form of a blog this year that is updated more often than every 3 months.

• Try to let go of my anger at Autism and God. Stop taking that anger out on Harry who is afflicted and not able to control the way his brain thinks.

• Stop being so serious all of the time. My kids need to see me laugh more and just be happy.

• Find a way to see the Glory of God in things and not the pessimistic viewpoint I've grown so used to.

Let's see where this journey goes!