What's your passion?

Growing up I never had the benefit of pursuing multiple things until I discovered the one "thing" that I loved. My mom and dad put me in piano lessons and that was that. My best friend took dance - boy was I jealous. My siblings played in the high school band. Briefly, I was on the flag corp in my high school. My days were mostly spent consuming pop culture and taking care of my brother.

I have friends that love to run, exercise, scrapbook, take photos, paint, etc. I have never found my passion in life. Why has this become so important now? Maybe because I am almost 40. Maybe it's because I know that I can't continue to consume pop culture and every tasty snack I can lay my hands on and hope to live another 40 years. Maybe it's because I feel like a hypocrite.

I was having a talk with my dd Abbey a few weeks ago. She has had the chance to try numerous things, but still hasn't landed on the "thing" she loves. She's great at lots of things, but gets bored. My husband says we need to make her stick it out for a while, but I have. She's done numerous basketball and soccer seasons. Danced for a year and did gymnastics for a year. She also took art classes after school for a year (which she'll go back to until April has her baby).

I was trying to explain to her why she needs a passion. It's something you can pursue any time. You can actually write something when asked what your hobby is. It's an outlet when you get too stressed. I think some of the reason I struggle with my weight is because I don't have a passion. I end up bored and eating instead of doing other things that make me happy.

Some people assume that because I work with kids and have 3 of my own, that children are my passion. Nope. I love my job and my kids, but goodness knows I need a break from both. Others assume my passion is all things Autism because we know it intimately. Nope again. I need a break from that too. I am passionate about both things, but they aren't my hobby.

So what things interest me? I like to take pictures. I do like to write (this blog is an example). I have a book idea, but no clue how to get started. I've always wanted to take a cake decorating class, but have never been able to carve out the time (probably a good thing with my weight where it is now!). Lately, I've been thinking about taking up the piano again.

I'm not sure what my "passion" or "hobby" will be, but I intend to find out! What's yours?

I know I haven't made peace yet

I know I write a lot about Autism in this blog, but it's one of my few outlets to express my feelings about our struggle with Autism and how it effects our family.

I had the pleasant opportunity to meet Susan Senator recently. She wrote the fantastic book, "Making Peace with Autism". She was exactly what I expected - warm, funny, and sane. Somehow, over the years, she has found a way to make peace with the big "A". I found myself itching to ask her THE question: If you could take away Nat's Autism now, would you? This is a question I think about a lot. My answer is yes.

Lots of parents answer no, that the Autism is what makes their child who they are. To take it away, is in essence, to take them away. I don't feel like that. I think it would help me get to know my son for who he is - I wouldn't have to deal with the roadblocks that Autism throws my way. He wouldn't have language and comprehension issues. We could really talk to each other.

I like to think that I have accepted Harry's autism with the grace that it requires to be able to do such things, but every once in a while, something happens that shows me that I haven't really. The latest thing was an invitation. Harry has been invited to a few "typical kid" birthday parties. It's been fantastic to see the way some of the kids at school have accepted him. This week, he got 2 such invitations. The first was from a child I know really likes him. The second caught me off guard. I was giddy from the knowledge that other "typicals" wanted him at their party.

Now don't misunderstand me on this. Harry has some "auttie" buddies that he hangs out with a lot and has attended numerous auttie parties. These are like an oasis in the desert. I love these kids and their moms - it's not hard and they don't bat an eye when one of our kids is acting out. It is just what it is. My life has been enriched so much by these relationships, but sometimes that specter of acceptance pops up and I have to wrestle through it again and again.

all stressed out and nowhere to go!

So I'm a little stressed out right now. I love my kids - really and truly. Right now we are on summer break and ending our 2nd week of no camps for Harry. For those of you who don't realize what it's like to have a kid with Autism, you can't begin to understand what that statement means. I wish I could be one of those parents that loves the summer break because I get to spend my time with my kids doing wonderful and fun things. The fact is, that's not me. I do love doing things with my kids, but with Harry it's an all-out struggle to keep him stable over the summer.

All of this means that his behavior is deteriorating. He is falling apart. Tantrums, crying jags, scripting, finger flicking, and odd moments of mania have begun. What's the answer? A nice consistent routine of course. So you may ask, "Amy, since you know how bad it can be, why don't you provide your son a nice, consistent routine?". Well my friend, I also have a 2 year-old to consider. She doesn't exactly work on a routine that allows me to keep my 6 year-old busy 8 hours a day without some of her own demands. This is why there is a problem.

With Harry, even if we go somewhere every day (which we do), it isn't enough. He needs to have the same things happening at roughly the same times every day to be truly happy and in his element. With the laid-back pace of summer, that just doesn't happen.

Some may say, "why not put him in camps all summer?" Easier said than done. Not every camp out there provides structure every minute of every day and we can't afford all of those that do. So we make do. Next week he's going to a day camp in Carrboro. I'm hoping for the best but am not at all sure what will happen when he's there.

I heard Dr. Phil say to one family that you reach a point where you say you can't live like this anymore. The problem is, I don't know what to do to change things. With two other kids in the mix, I can't customize a day just for Harry. I do the best I can but feel like I'm losing the battle because I am so exhausted by the demands.

Any ideas?