Easter is here!

Easter Is Here! I love Christmas - the lights, the sounds, the smells. All of it. I love the idea that a baby can change the world. Even at my worst times, Christmas has been a good time for me.

But Easter is different. More reverent and holy. New life in the Spirit world and the physical world. Beauty even in death.

Even though Jesus knew what was to come, He still came for us. He suffered for us. Lived as one of us. At the moment He could have said "Enough!", He still died on that cross. Even when He could have brought down Heaven on everyone and showed them all just who He was, He stayed humble.

I always imagine the look on Satan's face when he thought he had won - then Jesus shows up. I wonder if it was a battle of words. Physical even? Or did Satan realize and give up without a fight? Doubtful. Either way, it doesn't matter because Jesus defeated Him. One question I want to ask Him one day is just how it all happened. Can you imagine the faces of the angels and saints who had gone before when they got to see what was happening?

Too many times Christianity is portrayed as a religion for the weak. I think it's for the strong. For we daily have to endure ridicule for our beliefs, legislation that tries to take away our rights, and people that are hostile because of what others have done. Jesus endured, so we can too.

Hallelujah! He is risen!

Autism Awareness Month

April is officially "Autism Awareness Month". By now, you've heard the statistics. 1 in 150 children will be diagnosed with Autism. There are lots of theories as to why it happens (I have friends who will argue most every one of them to you). Personally, I think it's an overall genetic disorder, but that there are outside things that can trigger it. I don't believe you can be "healed" or "recovered" from it. The brain is what it is. There is no shame in that.

However, I will say that some days - ok most really, I HATE autism. Not because of the people - although there are a huge range of them out there. From fully functional to almost catatonic. Gentle souls to ones who turn violent for no reason. I hate autism because it took away my dreams of what my son's life would be like.

Yes - something horrible can happen at any time and any place to any family. Autism happens all of the time. I'm going to make some people angry with my statements, but this is my blog and my space, so if you are angry - deal with it. Start you own blog, but let me have my space to talk about my feelings.

When we found out we were having a boy, we were so excited. We had all of the dreams most parents would for their child. Of course, Autism was not in those dreams. In the early months after Harry was born, I knew something was wrong. I just wasn't sure what. Then came the day that CDSA came to my home and did the evaluation. When my husband said "they think it's autism", I crumbled. Not my son. Please.

See, I was raised with a special needs brother. He has down's, is severely retarded, and has been diagnosed in the last several years with Autism. He needs constant care, is completely non-verbal, and has multiple health problems. My older brother and I provided most of his care for too many reasons to list in this posting. He currently lives with my older brother and I am his guardian in the event he outlives him.

All I could think was that I've done my time with a special needs kid. It's not fair. No - it's not. I've often said don't ask "why me", when we should ask "why not me". There are no special passes in this life (although it seems like it for some people).

Still, Autism has robbed our family of something. Normalcy. It's all I craved for when I started my own family given my history. Now we know way too much about speech/OT/PT problems. We know way too much about how to get services, and what CAP is. I know that insurance doesn't pay to help treat my child for a disorder that is medically diagnosed.

Autism keeps my son from being able to explain his thoughts to me - his language is severely delayed so he's still learning how.

Autism took away my dreams of what I assumed his life would be like. Now we have to forge new goals and hopes. We are stuck - for better or worse - working with an imperfect school system to try to meet his needs. Thank God he's as functional as he is. We do believe that one day, he'll "pass" for "normal". But his brain will always be wired in an Autism way. He'll always have connections made (or not made) that others take for granted.

I've been asked if there was a pill I could give him to cure him, would I. The answer is a resounding yes. Now many in the Autism community find this answer offensive. It means that I can't accept him for who he is they would say. Just like hearing parents want to have hearing children, so do neurotypical parents want to have neurotypical children. There is nothing wrong with that.

But, can I love him for who he is now? Absolutely and I do. Each breakthrough is a joy, each setback a heartbreak. I'm filled with melancoly trying to watch him navigate an increasingly social world. I want him to succeed. I want him to have friends, find love, get married and have his own family one day.

So I do hate Autism, but I am growing to accept it. There were many brilliant people in the past that made a tremendous impact on our society at large that had Autism. Just as most things in life have an up and down side, so does Autism.

To learn more about Autism and early diagnosis, please visit the Autism Society of America at:
http://www.autism-society.org/site/PageServer