Real Simple Essay

So I don't usually do this kind of thing, but I wrote an essay for Real Simple magazine about the first time I realized I had become a grown-up. If I win, I get a trip to New York, tickets to a show, and $3000.00! It's long, but if you are interested in what I wrote, here you go:

There are many events in life that can define you as an adult – but being a “grown-up” is a kind of moving target. There is no one set experience that defines it. Some people would define it as moving out on your own, going to college, getting married, or having children. I’ve experienced all of these and then some, but it wasn’t until I was 37 years-old that I finally felt that I had achieved the status of grown-up.

My father passed away when I was eleven. I moved out of state when I was 18. I got married when I was 24, then I went to college and graduated at 29. Even after I had my first two children, I still didn’t feel like a grown-up. Yes, I had adult responsibilities, but some little piece of me kept waiting for some part of me to feel like a grown-up. Even when my 2^nd child was diagnosed with Autism, I still didn’t feel like a grown-up. Was I an adult? Yes? Did I feel like a grown-up? No.

Most of my life I have had adult responsibilities. I have 3 other siblings, one of whom has Down’s syndrome and severe Mental Retardation. He requires constant attention and care. After my father died, my mother had to return to work full-time. At the age of 11, with my other two siblings living their own adult lives, I became my brother’s caretaker when my mother was at work. This meant all day during the summer and after-school during the rest of the year. I was the classic latch-key child.

At the age of 18, I moved out of state to start my own “adult” life. I thought that this would surely cement me in the world of grown-ups. But even then, I still felt like a teenager at best.

As time passed and I began to grow older, the feeling that I was somehow an adolescent never left me.

Despite marriage, college, and the birth of two children, I still felt too young to be the one “in-charge” all of the time. Even after my 2^nd child was diagnosed with Autism, I was still waiting for that magical feeling to strike.

Things finally changed for me in the fall of 2007. It wasn’t a sudden event I can point to – a date on the calendar – rather it was a series of events that culminated in my realization that yes – I am officially a grown-up.

I got the call that my mother was gravely ill in October of that year. As I rushed to her bedside, I was terrified that I would lose her. Our relationship had been rocky most of my life, but things had finally begun to improve for us. I could have a conversation with her without being reduced to tears. For years, she was on a mix of medications that completely changed her personality. She could be mean, spiteful, hateful, and depressed. Talking with her was an effort to stay positive. One day, my cousin sat down with her and went over all of the medications. She was the one that found that they were interacting with each other in terrible ways. The medications changed her personality. Once the doctor straightened them all out, she became a new woman. We were finally finding the balance of mother and daughter after all of these yeasr.

I quickly settled into my adult role that month as I extended my stay to be at her bedside. As relatives came and went, I kept the vigil in the hospital waiting for the 15 minutes each hour that I could visit her in ICU. Multiple times a day, I updated my siblings on her status. It was a constant touch and go. While I was at her side, I missed my little boy’s 5^th birthday. This broke my heart in a way that I can never explain, but I know I did the right thing by staying with her.

The day finally came when I had to leave. She still had a difficult time, but miraculously, my mother pulled through. Then began the process of working with my siblings to help plan what would come next for her. She needed to live near one of us. I was making grown-up plans. My brother found an apartment for her next-door to him, so in mid-November we all trekked back to Louisiana to pack her apartment up. She was still in a rehabilitative home, so I didn’t get to see her during that trip, but I did speak to her. It had been a long-time since she had been that happy.

I returned home and two weeks later and discovered I was pregnant with my third child. While it was not a total surprise, the suddenness of it was. It had taken me several months and fertility medications to get pregnant the other two times. We were thrilled. The next day I headed off to work to share our joy. I was planning to call my mom and share the news that night. Before I could, I received the phone call from my brother that mom had passed away suddenly in the middle of the night. I was stunned. This was the woman that had been at the brink of death multiple times and had beat the odds more times than most people can imagine. She was moving to start a new life in just a few days. Then it hit me – I was an orphan now.

That realization hit me terribly hard. Now I was faced with the grown-up tasks of helping sort through what was left of my mother’s life already packed into boxes, driven via U-Haul to Texas by my brother. I had to help plan a memorial for her. She would never know that I was pregnant again.

It took my mother’s death to make me realize I was a grown-up. This lesson just continued to be reinforced for me time and time again over the next year and a half. My pregnancy was difficult and ended early due to preeclampsia. I became overwhelmed with the act of raising 3 children. The baby had reflux and refused to be put down. My husband and I slept in shifts holding her all night. Through it all, I kept saying to myself that this is what it feels like to be a grown-up. With all of the joys and all of the heartaches that go with it.

I also found that things that bothered me in the past didn’t matter as much anymore. My mother-in-law always had the unique ability to make me feel like a scolded teenager. Maybe it’s because she was upset with me when she came home after living abroad to find her son with me (I was his first and only girlfriend). After a particular run-in with my mother-in-law recently, I found myself saying to my friend, “I have other responsibilities to deal with. I just don’t have time for this.” This statement itself proved to me that I was now a grown-up.

While adulthood comes with a magic number of 18 in our society, there is no defined age at which you say “I’m a grown-up”. That comes with time and experience. It just took me 37 years, the loss of both parents, and the pregnancy of my 3^rd child to finally get there.

A Mommy/Daughter Trip

With little Harry off to Camp Royall this week, I decided to take my darling Abbey to Charlotte for some mommy/daughter time. She was so excited, you'd have thought we were going to Disney World. The plan was a nice hotel (that I got a great deal on thanks to Priceline), a visit to the Discovery Place Museum, the Charlotte Nature Museum, IKEA for some new room furnishings and a trip to SouthPark Mall with a maybe trip to Concord Mills.

Boy did we do it all! Discovery Place was disappointing. I had heard so many great things about it, but it's under renovation, so my hope is that the exhibits were so limited due to that. The Nature Museum was more her speed, but designed for younger minded children. The best part of Discovery Place was that she bested these adolescent boys at one of the exhibits. The theme was Shipwrecks and there was a gizmo which had you operate two joysticks for a robotic arm that picked up treasure from the floor. Once you got the coins, you had to put them in a bucket. This thing was not easy to do, and she watched these boys for at least 10 minutes until they gave up. Less than 10 minutes later she had done it! People standing around cheered for her. I'm so proud of my gadget minded girl!

The best part of it all was just getting to hang out with her. With all of the demands on our family, one-on-one time gets lost. It was so nice to just get to hang out with her. I let her stay up late, eat ice cream and do almost anything she wanted. It was so great! But now we are back, little Harry comes home tomorrow and things will settle back into our groove. The nice thing is knowing that we made some great memories together.

The perfect angry face

I know I've been MIA for a while, but things have been busy around here! Between doctor visits for the kiddos and camps, and prep for Camp Royall for Harry, I'm barely keeping my head above water.
So in honor of being able to say, "Hey! Check out my blog. I update frequently." Here is today's post. Ladies and gentlemen - I give you the perfect angry face:

sleep deprivation sucks!

Don't let this peaceful lady fool you! This is not me. This is what I hope to be at some time in my life again.

With Harry out of town again, I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I swear the children are out to get me sometimes. We've had lots of rough nights over the years - what with little Harry's ability to sustain himself on about 3 hours sleep. Then we had the baby. We hoped that she would be a "good" sleeper, but we were wrong.
The only time she actually sleeps all night long is when she is getting sick. Then we have several nights of torture.

Last night was particularly fun:
9:30 - yes, everyone is asleep
10:00 - I'm asleep
11:00 - Anna Kate is awake
11:25 - I'm asleep
2:30 - Anna Kate is awake
3:00 - I'm asleep
5:00 - Anna Kate is up and this one will take a bottle to get her back to sleep. So I shuffle to the kitchen. On my way, I step on a suspicious item in the hallway and encounter a wet spot on the carpet. After Anna Kate has her bottle and is asleep, I go to check what I've found. There's a small turd (courtesy of Iris the cat) on the floor in the hall that I've squished with my foot, and Lucy (the dog) has peed on the carpet. Why I don't know. I let her out before I went to bed. So I get it all cleaned up and go to the bathroom to wash my hands, when, yeah - I step in cat pee left for me by Iris. Get that all cleaned up, head to bed and finally fall asleep around 5:45 thinking I'll have until at least 7.
6:07 - little Harry shows up. He lies down, but rolls around and rubs my arms furiously which is what he does when he's tired.
6:30 - I kick him out with strict instructions to be quiet
7:07 - "Mommy time to get up", Harry says. He informs me that the sun is in the sky and I need to be up. I mumble something about a rough night and 10 more minutes. He tries to argue, but gives up. Did I mention that I hear Anna Kate now too?
7:17 - Anna Kate demands attention and so I'm up for the day.

Maybe Anna Kate will take a long nap this morning? Oh, and did I mention that the ants that keep trying to invade my home are still finding and unknown way in? I can't wait for Harry to get home! I miss him and love him lots, but right now, I just want some sleep and his being here will get me that. Maybe little Harry will get a bigger portion of his sleep medication tonight.

Another one down

Here I am writing yet another eulogy for a another pet. This time it is in honor of Seeds the hamster. He wasn't your typical roly-poly type hamster. He was a new-fangled breed called a dwarf hamster. These little guys are smaller than a regular hamster and have an interesting trait I'll explain shortly (besides the black stripe down the back).

I'll never forget the day we got Seeds. It's burned permanently into my brain as a shining example of what NOT to do. Abbey had been asking for a hamster for so long and saved up her money for him (not easy to do when you only get $2/week). So, once she saved up about $20 we trekked down to the pet store. Me, her, and Harry. There the fun began. Harry was much younger (by about 3 years) and much less patient. He was waiting in the cart while Abbey looked at all the hamsters she saw. No problem - yet.

When Abbey finally chose the one she wanted to see, she got to go in the special little room at the pet store to "play" with him. Here's where it started. Harry wanted out. I said no. He pitched a fit, I still said no. He started screaming, I said no. He tried to unbuckle the strap for the cart - oops! He figured it out! Then the war started. While I attempted to walk Abbey through this decision, I had to fight with Harry to keep him in the cart. All of this was going on and they sales guy clearly saw I was in over my head.

Abbey declared Seeds "the one", we got all of the stuff needed for a small rodent, and hustled our selves out of that store with Harry still screeching and my pushing him down in the seat trying to bribe him with anything I could think of.

Later, when we got home and I had a chance to look at the paperwork, I discovered the joy of this breed of hamster. They were only recently domesticated, so if you don't play with them every few days - wait for it - THEY GO WILD AGAIN! What had I done? This little guy bit us every chance he got (and it hurt). He escaped a few times and barely made it once (the dog was present).

Still, he taught Abbey that you had to love the ones that don't always love you back. He also taught her some responsibility and darn it, he was cute even if he was borderline wild. In some ways, we'll miss this little guy.

PS- Did I mention it took Abbey about 15 minutes to start speculating on the possibility of getting another hamster? If she ever does, I'm not taking Harry with me this time and I'm not getting any new-fangled breeds thank you very much!

follow up to yesterday

Ok - after a sort of decent night's sleep and some time with Google, we've come up with an idea to teach sportsmanship. Every day for 5 weeks, we are going to have some kind of competition in the house (team and individual). Harry will get a sticker for each time he wins (or loses) graciously. Abbey gets a chart to, if for no other reason, just to point out what it's like to be a good sport. Pray for us (kidding aside) because this could prove to be a disaster of monstrous proportions. Abbey is already plotting competitions...I had to remind her that these were supposed to teach Harry something, not be something that's impossible for him to win (insert heavy sigh here).

2 kids, different emotions

Why is it that 2 different children of my own bearing can elicit such different emotional reactions from me? Tonight was the good and the bad. First the good. Abbey met with our Children's Minister from church to discuss baptism. Turns out she's decided she's ready and will join other folks from our church in the ceremony this week at Jordan Lake. I am so happy for her and bursting with pride.

Then there's the bad. Little Harry has had quite a bit of difficulty with the idea of being a good sport. It's really annoying. We try to tell him that it's okay and he can try again, but our simple words are met with the most heinous whine imaginable. I would rather hear nails on a chalkboard than hear the pitch this boy hits.

Tonight was no different. Our Small Group had a nice year-end wrap up at a playground/park. There were games to be played, but not by my son. No sir. Everything becomes a competition and if he's not first, then look out buddy because he's gonna whine about it. I tried several times to get him to see that it's not the end of the world, but the damn Autism got in the way. So I eventually had to take him and the baby home. All the while he was screaming "I not going home" at me. He eventually digressed to just flat out screaming at the top of his lungs. I swear he wanted to hit me, but managed to restrain himself because of the distance between the two of us in the van.

So we get home. I put the baby in the crib and haul him out of the van while he screams. By now, I'm ready to blow, but know it's pointless. I drag him upstairs, force hand washing and change him into pjs. Did I forget to mention how he threw his trains on the floor while I was getting his sleep meds? Anyhow, I got him in bed. Told him I was sorry he was sad, but maybe next time he'll remember this when he starts to whine about not winning.

Sometimes I just want to tell him to man up. I do tell him that people won't want to be his friend because nobody likes to hear it. That in and of itself makes me ashamed and feel guilty. He takes things literally, so I don't know how to work on the nuance of this social phenomenon. All the way home we argued with my telling him he won't have any friends if he keeps it up. That honestly terrifies me. He loves other people so much. I don't want him to be an outcast because he's a whiner and acts like such a poor sport (and a bit like a baby if I can be so honest).

Then I put the baby in bed. Start crying before she's in the crib, take an Ativan and colapse in a heap on the floor in hysterics because I have no where else to put my pent up emotions. Finally it slows down enough for me to form a thought. I pick myself up off the floor, load the dishwasher, and start this blog entry.

Now how in the world to I teach an Autistic child to be a good sport. Anyone? Anyone?

Lists, lists, lists

I'll admit it. I'm a list freak. Anytime there's a list, I feel I must read it (as long as it's fairly short or I am feeling especially attentive). This also goes for all of those 40 best, top 20 shows, etc that you can find on TV. I've sat through sports lists (hubby was watching them). I think it has something to do with the idea of getting information in a short burst. While I wasn't born in the "information age", I have adapted quite nicely thank you very much. So, in honor of my list obsession, here is a list of sites on the internet that I frequent with some regularity (in no particular order). Please feel free to share your favorites - I am compelled to read them anyway!

1. Swagbucks I love this site because you can search it using a google based search, and it will randomly award you swagbucks. You can then cash these items in for gift cards and other stuff. Me - I get the amazon gift cards. If you want to try it, email me, and I'll send you a referral link
2. Chatham County Online BBS I get to see people in my county have massive head explosions from time to time and I get to learn what's going on around me.
3. Facebook need I say more?
4. I can has cheeseburger poor spelling, warped sense of humor and cats and dogs in hilarious situations. Always good for a laugh!
5. Woot this one offers deals of the day and they are usually a bit off the wall
6. Amazon.com I reference this almost everyday. They have EVERYTHING!
7. Cake wrecks cakes gone horribly wrong with witty commentary
8. BabyTalk magazine cover contest because I caved and entered Anna Kate. They have photo galleries that they update from time to time and I am obsessively watching for her picture.
9. Fox News - a girl has to stay informed
10. Pinching your pennies discusses online deals and brick and mortar deals

There you have it. A list of some of my favorite websites. Comments anyone?

This is why I'm a mom

Today is one of those days that I understand why I am a mother. It's these moments of joy and love that buoy you through the tough stuff and make it all worthwhile.

So what happened you ask? I was going over a packet of information about Baptism with Abbey (yes, she wants to do it). While we were discussing the why's, I told her my story, then asked her what hers would be. When she was 4 she prayed with me to accept Jesus into her heart, but as she gets older the memory fades. We talked about her doing it again as a symbol of re-commitment and she did. I got to be the one to pray with her for her eternal life. Me. It's staggering to me. Now, she will meet with our pastor and hopefully, be able to articulate herself to him (that was her hold up last year). If so, she'll be baptized in Jordan Lake next weekend.

Thank you Lord for the opportunity to raise this child.

Bella should be with Jacob

Ok - I'm only half-way through "Eclipse", but I've already decided that Bella should be with Jacob. Cover your ears to the screaming of thousands of teenage girls everywhere. I understand that I haven't finished the series and this may happen eventually, but in the event it doesn't, here's why I think that:

1. He's human and Edward isn't. Something about a cold body all the time really freaks me out.

2. She'd have to "die" to be with Edward. Not something high on my wish list for a boyfriend or life-long mate.

3. Jacob can protect her.

4. I think she's Jacob's soul-mate.

5. She's more alive with Jacob than with Edward. She is herself and has a personality. With Edward it's like she's moving in slow motion and always worried about him.

6. Too many people want to kill her because she's with Edward.

For now that's it. Like I said earlier, I reserve the right to recant or boast that I was right. I'm just half-way through the book and don't know yet how things end (please don't tell me either!)

Easter is here!

Easter Is Here! I love Christmas - the lights, the sounds, the smells. All of it. I love the idea that a baby can change the world. Even at my worst times, Christmas has been a good time for me.

But Easter is different. More reverent and holy. New life in the Spirit world and the physical world. Beauty even in death.

Even though Jesus knew what was to come, He still came for us. He suffered for us. Lived as one of us. At the moment He could have said "Enough!", He still died on that cross. Even when He could have brought down Heaven on everyone and showed them all just who He was, He stayed humble.

I always imagine the look on Satan's face when he thought he had won - then Jesus shows up. I wonder if it was a battle of words. Physical even? Or did Satan realize and give up without a fight? Doubtful. Either way, it doesn't matter because Jesus defeated Him. One question I want to ask Him one day is just how it all happened. Can you imagine the faces of the angels and saints who had gone before when they got to see what was happening?

Too many times Christianity is portrayed as a religion for the weak. I think it's for the strong. For we daily have to endure ridicule for our beliefs, legislation that tries to take away our rights, and people that are hostile because of what others have done. Jesus endured, so we can too.

Hallelujah! He is risen!

Autism Awareness Month

April is officially "Autism Awareness Month". By now, you've heard the statistics. 1 in 150 children will be diagnosed with Autism. There are lots of theories as to why it happens (I have friends who will argue most every one of them to you). Personally, I think it's an overall genetic disorder, but that there are outside things that can trigger it. I don't believe you can be "healed" or "recovered" from it. The brain is what it is. There is no shame in that.

However, I will say that some days - ok most really, I HATE autism. Not because of the people - although there are a huge range of them out there. From fully functional to almost catatonic. Gentle souls to ones who turn violent for no reason. I hate autism because it took away my dreams of what my son's life would be like.

Yes - something horrible can happen at any time and any place to any family. Autism happens all of the time. I'm going to make some people angry with my statements, but this is my blog and my space, so if you are angry - deal with it. Start you own blog, but let me have my space to talk about my feelings.

When we found out we were having a boy, we were so excited. We had all of the dreams most parents would for their child. Of course, Autism was not in those dreams. In the early months after Harry was born, I knew something was wrong. I just wasn't sure what. Then came the day that CDSA came to my home and did the evaluation. When my husband said "they think it's autism", I crumbled. Not my son. Please.

See, I was raised with a special needs brother. He has down's, is severely retarded, and has been diagnosed in the last several years with Autism. He needs constant care, is completely non-verbal, and has multiple health problems. My older brother and I provided most of his care for too many reasons to list in this posting. He currently lives with my older brother and I am his guardian in the event he outlives him.

All I could think was that I've done my time with a special needs kid. It's not fair. No - it's not. I've often said don't ask "why me", when we should ask "why not me". There are no special passes in this life (although it seems like it for some people).

Still, Autism has robbed our family of something. Normalcy. It's all I craved for when I started my own family given my history. Now we know way too much about speech/OT/PT problems. We know way too much about how to get services, and what CAP is. I know that insurance doesn't pay to help treat my child for a disorder that is medically diagnosed.

Autism keeps my son from being able to explain his thoughts to me - his language is severely delayed so he's still learning how.

Autism took away my dreams of what I assumed his life would be like. Now we have to forge new goals and hopes. We are stuck - for better or worse - working with an imperfect school system to try to meet his needs. Thank God he's as functional as he is. We do believe that one day, he'll "pass" for "normal". But his brain will always be wired in an Autism way. He'll always have connections made (or not made) that others take for granted.

I've been asked if there was a pill I could give him to cure him, would I. The answer is a resounding yes. Now many in the Autism community find this answer offensive. It means that I can't accept him for who he is they would say. Just like hearing parents want to have hearing children, so do neurotypical parents want to have neurotypical children. There is nothing wrong with that.

But, can I love him for who he is now? Absolutely and I do. Each breakthrough is a joy, each setback a heartbreak. I'm filled with melancoly trying to watch him navigate an increasingly social world. I want him to succeed. I want him to have friends, find love, get married and have his own family one day.

So I do hate Autism, but I am growing to accept it. There were many brilliant people in the past that made a tremendous impact on our society at large that had Autism. Just as most things in life have an up and down side, so does Autism.

To learn more about Autism and early diagnosis, please visit the Autism Society of America at:
http://www.autism-society.org/site/PageServer

A Eulogy for a fish

OK - how do I write a eulogy for a fish? What can one say about a fish? She (maybe) was quiet. S/he didn't eat too much, but did have an annoying habit of spitting at the water just right so it would spill out of the tank if s/he was hungry. Dorothy never got sick and always stayed in her tank (unlike other fish we've had). She made the kids happy when she swam. She leaves behind 2 other friends - Pizza and Plokie.

Kidding aside, I feel bad for Abbey. She actually teared up over the fish. I was just wondering how we'd get her out of the tank considering her impressive size (almost 7 inches). But in the true spirit of a child raised in the country, she said a small prayer for Dorothy and put her in the woods to continue the cycle of life in the form of food for some other animal (probably our dog Lucy who was eyeing her with a hungry look in her eyes).

At least Abbey understands that life begins and ends and is OK with that. She's not lost a person she's especially close to yet, but she did come with me to my mom's funeral when she died a little over a year ago. While we were crying and saying our goodbyes, my sweet daughter was busy drawing a picture of Grandma with Jesus smiling at us. That says it all to me. She loves her pets, but understands they are just animals and the more important issue isn't where to bury the pet, but rather where we end up after life on earth ends for us. Do you know where you will end up? or do you prefer to think it just ends like it did for our fish?

FB - Innane or Helpful?

Ok - there's been a lot of Facebook backlash lately. Mainly because people of my generation (man I sound old) have "discovered" it thereby ruining the cool factor. Heck, I even have an article blasting it on my page. Yeah - the status updates can be tedious, but every once in a while, it proves it's worth. Like today.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far away, I didn't have kids, but was married and in college. Once of my absolute best friends worked where I did. We hung out a lot, and she understood me and my quirks. Heck - she enabled them! When I was with her, I was witty, quick, and funny. But somehow, over time, my life went another direction and we lost touch. Thanks to the glory that is Facebook, she found me and once again, I have a little more spark.

When I saw her friend request, I was as happy as the girl who wanted to be asked to the prom by the cool guy (and it not be a prank of some kind). I quickly said yes and now things feel right again. Will I see her soon? I don't know - I hope so. But for just a little while again, I feel witty and funny. Will she think I still am? Who knows, but judging by her postings, she still is and that's good enough for me!

exercise isn't for wimps

Ok - I'll admit it. I hate to exercise. I know I should and given the health history of my family, it would be a good thing. The thing is - I hate doing it. So I decided to try classes. Great in theory - go with people I know, suffer through the class, and feel a sense of accomplishment when I complete the class. Here's the problem - my precious, beautiful baby doesn't want me to. I know what you're thinking - yeah right. But it's true! Each time I've tried, she's melted down in the "childcare center" leaving me to have to calm her down in order to try again. I keep finding myself wondering if it's even worth it.

Of course I know that my baby isn't trying to sabotage me, but somedays it feels like it! As a "responsible" mom, I know that I need to set a good example for my children (That's why I don't eat the cookies when they can see me - I wait until they go to bed!). So for now, we'll just have to keep trying the class and if need be, switch where I exercise so I can be healthy and live long enough to see them have these struggles with their own children. At which point, I will smile knowingly and offer to babysit (and then give those grandbabies some cookies!).

sick kids!

Can I just say from the outset how sick I am of sick kids? At home and at work I am surrounded! I've seen quite a bit this fall and someone in my house has been sick for 6 weeks. Somehow, abbey managed to avoid it all - until yesterday. Now she's sick and I'm home with all 3 (Harry had early release). The whining and crying is almost more than I can stand and I haven't even started talking about them yet! Honestly, I hate it when the little ones are sick. You feel powerless and want to make it all better. What's funny to me is how they all act differently when ill. Abbey wants me like glue to her side, Harry wants to be in our vicinity, but left alone and Anna Kate wants to be help non-stop (more like her sister than I thought..). Alas, I keep telling myself that this too will pass. It has to right?

Patterns and What they mean

The other night Abbey and I were looking at a cup from Sonic trying to identify the pattern of the dots on the bottom. I told her that I knew there was one there, but it wasn't easily identifiable. Now I don't generally get all philosophical about a Sonic cup, but it got me thinking about life in general. We have patterns all around us - in nature, art, science. It's how we figure out things and make the world make sense.

The question is, what is the pattern of your life showing you? Is it one that works? If not, it's time to change the pattern. Let God help you change the patterns that don't work into ones that do.