Easter is here!

Easter Is Here! I love Christmas - the lights, the sounds, the smells. All of it. I love the idea that a baby can change the world. Even at my worst times, Christmas has been a good time for me.

But Easter is different. More reverent and holy. New life in the Spirit world and the physical world. Beauty even in death.

Even though Jesus knew what was to come, He still came for us. He suffered for us. Lived as one of us. At the moment He could have said "Enough!", He still died on that cross. Even when He could have brought down Heaven on everyone and showed them all just who He was, He stayed humble.

I always imagine the look on Satan's face when he thought he had won - then Jesus shows up. I wonder if it was a battle of words. Physical even? Or did Satan realize and give up without a fight? Doubtful. Either way, it doesn't matter because Jesus defeated Him. One question I want to ask Him one day is just how it all happened. Can you imagine the faces of the angels and saints who had gone before when they got to see what was happening?

Too many times Christianity is portrayed as a religion for the weak. I think it's for the strong. For we daily have to endure ridicule for our beliefs, legislation that tries to take away our rights, and people that are hostile because of what others have done. Jesus endured, so we can too.

Hallelujah! He is risen!

Autism Awareness Month

April is officially "Autism Awareness Month". By now, you've heard the statistics. 1 in 150 children will be diagnosed with Autism. There are lots of theories as to why it happens (I have friends who will argue most every one of them to you). Personally, I think it's an overall genetic disorder, but that there are outside things that can trigger it. I don't believe you can be "healed" or "recovered" from it. The brain is what it is. There is no shame in that.

However, I will say that some days - ok most really, I HATE autism. Not because of the people - although there are a huge range of them out there. From fully functional to almost catatonic. Gentle souls to ones who turn violent for no reason. I hate autism because it took away my dreams of what my son's life would be like.

Yes - something horrible can happen at any time and any place to any family. Autism happens all of the time. I'm going to make some people angry with my statements, but this is my blog and my space, so if you are angry - deal with it. Start you own blog, but let me have my space to talk about my feelings.

When we found out we were having a boy, we were so excited. We had all of the dreams most parents would for their child. Of course, Autism was not in those dreams. In the early months after Harry was born, I knew something was wrong. I just wasn't sure what. Then came the day that CDSA came to my home and did the evaluation. When my husband said "they think it's autism", I crumbled. Not my son. Please.

See, I was raised with a special needs brother. He has down's, is severely retarded, and has been diagnosed in the last several years with Autism. He needs constant care, is completely non-verbal, and has multiple health problems. My older brother and I provided most of his care for too many reasons to list in this posting. He currently lives with my older brother and I am his guardian in the event he outlives him.

All I could think was that I've done my time with a special needs kid. It's not fair. No - it's not. I've often said don't ask "why me", when we should ask "why not me". There are no special passes in this life (although it seems like it for some people).

Still, Autism has robbed our family of something. Normalcy. It's all I craved for when I started my own family given my history. Now we know way too much about speech/OT/PT problems. We know way too much about how to get services, and what CAP is. I know that insurance doesn't pay to help treat my child for a disorder that is medically diagnosed.

Autism keeps my son from being able to explain his thoughts to me - his language is severely delayed so he's still learning how.

Autism took away my dreams of what I assumed his life would be like. Now we have to forge new goals and hopes. We are stuck - for better or worse - working with an imperfect school system to try to meet his needs. Thank God he's as functional as he is. We do believe that one day, he'll "pass" for "normal". But his brain will always be wired in an Autism way. He'll always have connections made (or not made) that others take for granted.

I've been asked if there was a pill I could give him to cure him, would I. The answer is a resounding yes. Now many in the Autism community find this answer offensive. It means that I can't accept him for who he is they would say. Just like hearing parents want to have hearing children, so do neurotypical parents want to have neurotypical children. There is nothing wrong with that.

But, can I love him for who he is now? Absolutely and I do. Each breakthrough is a joy, each setback a heartbreak. I'm filled with melancoly trying to watch him navigate an increasingly social world. I want him to succeed. I want him to have friends, find love, get married and have his own family one day.

So I do hate Autism, but I am growing to accept it. There were many brilliant people in the past that made a tremendous impact on our society at large that had Autism. Just as most things in life have an up and down side, so does Autism.

To learn more about Autism and early diagnosis, please visit the Autism Society of America at:
http://www.autism-society.org/site/PageServer

A Eulogy for a fish

OK - how do I write a eulogy for a fish? What can one say about a fish? She (maybe) was quiet. S/he didn't eat too much, but did have an annoying habit of spitting at the water just right so it would spill out of the tank if s/he was hungry. Dorothy never got sick and always stayed in her tank (unlike other fish we've had). She made the kids happy when she swam. She leaves behind 2 other friends - Pizza and Plokie.

Kidding aside, I feel bad for Abbey. She actually teared up over the fish. I was just wondering how we'd get her out of the tank considering her impressive size (almost 7 inches). But in the true spirit of a child raised in the country, she said a small prayer for Dorothy and put her in the woods to continue the cycle of life in the form of food for some other animal (probably our dog Lucy who was eyeing her with a hungry look in her eyes).

At least Abbey understands that life begins and ends and is OK with that. She's not lost a person she's especially close to yet, but she did come with me to my mom's funeral when she died a little over a year ago. While we were crying and saying our goodbyes, my sweet daughter was busy drawing a picture of Grandma with Jesus smiling at us. That says it all to me. She loves her pets, but understands they are just animals and the more important issue isn't where to bury the pet, but rather where we end up after life on earth ends for us. Do you know where you will end up? or do you prefer to think it just ends like it did for our fish?

FB - Innane or Helpful?

Ok - there's been a lot of Facebook backlash lately. Mainly because people of my generation (man I sound old) have "discovered" it thereby ruining the cool factor. Heck, I even have an article blasting it on my page. Yeah - the status updates can be tedious, but every once in a while, it proves it's worth. Like today.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far away, I didn't have kids, but was married and in college. Once of my absolute best friends worked where I did. We hung out a lot, and she understood me and my quirks. Heck - she enabled them! When I was with her, I was witty, quick, and funny. But somehow, over time, my life went another direction and we lost touch. Thanks to the glory that is Facebook, she found me and once again, I have a little more spark.

When I saw her friend request, I was as happy as the girl who wanted to be asked to the prom by the cool guy (and it not be a prank of some kind). I quickly said yes and now things feel right again. Will I see her soon? I don't know - I hope so. But for just a little while again, I feel witty and funny. Will she think I still am? Who knows, but judging by her postings, she still is and that's good enough for me!

exercise isn't for wimps

Ok - I'll admit it. I hate to exercise. I know I should and given the health history of my family, it would be a good thing. The thing is - I hate doing it. So I decided to try classes. Great in theory - go with people I know, suffer through the class, and feel a sense of accomplishment when I complete the class. Here's the problem - my precious, beautiful baby doesn't want me to. I know what you're thinking - yeah right. But it's true! Each time I've tried, she's melted down in the "childcare center" leaving me to have to calm her down in order to try again. I keep finding myself wondering if it's even worth it.

Of course I know that my baby isn't trying to sabotage me, but somedays it feels like it! As a "responsible" mom, I know that I need to set a good example for my children (That's why I don't eat the cookies when they can see me - I wait until they go to bed!). So for now, we'll just have to keep trying the class and if need be, switch where I exercise so I can be healthy and live long enough to see them have these struggles with their own children. At which point, I will smile knowingly and offer to babysit (and then give those grandbabies some cookies!).

sick kids!

Can I just say from the outset how sick I am of sick kids? At home and at work I am surrounded! I've seen quite a bit this fall and someone in my house has been sick for 6 weeks. Somehow, abbey managed to avoid it all - until yesterday. Now she's sick and I'm home with all 3 (Harry had early release). The whining and crying is almost more than I can stand and I haven't even started talking about them yet! Honestly, I hate it when the little ones are sick. You feel powerless and want to make it all better. What's funny to me is how they all act differently when ill. Abbey wants me like glue to her side, Harry wants to be in our vicinity, but left alone and Anna Kate wants to be help non-stop (more like her sister than I thought..). Alas, I keep telling myself that this too will pass. It has to right?

Patterns and What they mean

The other night Abbey and I were looking at a cup from Sonic trying to identify the pattern of the dots on the bottom. I told her that I knew there was one there, but it wasn't easily identifiable. Now I don't generally get all philosophical about a Sonic cup, but it got me thinking about life in general. We have patterns all around us - in nature, art, science. It's how we figure out things and make the world make sense.

The question is, what is the pattern of your life showing you? Is it one that works? If not, it's time to change the pattern. Let God help you change the patterns that don't work into ones that do.