What was that?

I'm not sure what I saw today, but I feel like I've been run over by a mack truck.

Our Preschool Director was fired this week. From what I've been able to determine, it wasn't because of her job performance, but rather for "personnel issues". We as a staff went to the church to give her support as she said good-bye.

The pastor refused to let her speak, so her husband stood to address the crowd. Then it turned ugly. I won't go into the specifics, but what I saw was not a good witness to the people there today.

I love our director and have been proud to work for her. She is good at her job and I will miss her so much.

The display today worries me more than anything else. What does it say to new believers, or people on the fence. How did today's actions hurt the kingdom? The pastor defended his position, but at what cost?

I am so sad for what happened; however, God is still in heaven and still in control. His plans are what will be the final outcome. Now I will be praying for the people who were there today.  I also want to pray for myself that I will not have a hardened heart, but know I am where I am for a reason.  The families and the children are still what really matters. Showing them God's love and acceptance - not bitterness or scorn or unforgivness. Now more than ever, I'm on mission there.

Which should I rant on tonight?

A few days ago, I just knew what I wanted to rant about. Then today another story hit me from out of the blue. Apparently, a mother in Colorado has killed her 6 month old child because he was showing signs of Autism. She and her husband wanted to have fun in life and knew they couldn't with a severely autistic child. Are you freaking kidding me? Her excuse is that he was showing early signs of it. She didn't want to burden her husband with a - wait for it - POTENTIALLY autistic child. Of all of the selfish things I have heard people do before, this one takes the cake. The worst part is that the pediatrician says the child was developing normally. She placed blankets over his face, then went downstairs to plan a vacation. Well, now she's going to get a certain kind of vacation and it won't be fun.

I don't know if she'll end up in jail or in an institution, but this lady deserves either choice. I'm sure that there is some mental disorder at work here, but that doesn't give her the right to be judge, jury, and in this case executioner.

By 6 months of age, some symptoms can begin to emerge, but a child isn't diagnosed with Autism until they are at least 2 in most cases. There is a reason for that children aren't diagnosed at 6 months - you JUST DON'T KNOW! As a specialist who works with Autistic kids, she should have known that.

Sheesh - now to my next rant. Some of you may have already heard the story about the Saudi sheiks that are recommending women breast-feed males colleagues and acquaintances in order to avoid breaking Islamic law. One sheik says they should pump then let the men drink it out of a glass. Another one says they should get it directly from the source. Are you kidding me??? EWWWWW! What planet do these people live on. I am speechless about this "argument" they are having!

I am so grateful that God has freed us from the burdens of the laws of old by giving us Christ as a sacrifice. I know the Jewish people had to do all sorts of weird things in the Old Testament from watching what they ate to what they wore, but the point was that ultimately man is unable to keep all of the laws, and therefore unable to save himself. Thus, God sent Jesus to fulfill the law for us. I am so glad to have this freedom and not have to listen to men argue about who I should be breastfeeding and how!

"For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death. For what the Law could not do,weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, so that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit." Romans 8: 2-4

Finding your way through

This posting today is for a specific friend out there. She'll know who she is, but if you are not her and are reading, please keep going. You may find something that inspires you when you are dealing with some tough stuff.

This friend is a very close one. She has been my mommy "auttie" buddy for 4 years now. Her oldest son and my son Harry met for the first time at a TEACCH preschool program where we got together to learn the method and learn how to deal with our sons.

She reminded me very much of a dear friend that had moved away recently, so I glommed onto her as a lifeline. Eventually, we became very good friends. We don't always see the world the same way, but I think we are good for each other.

Today she went back to TEACCH with her youngest child. An adorable little boy who just makes you smile when you look at him. She has been concerned since he was born that there would be something "wrong". He did have reflux, he has an eating disorder (poor thing is so thin a strong wind would knock him down), and he has sensory issues. Today, they found out he also has Autism.

Friend - while I don't know your exact pain, I still feel it for you. I know you are grieving again the loss of what expectations you had for him. I know you are angry, heart-broken, fearful, and sick to your stomach. You probably feel like you just can't do this again right now. I hear you.

Give yourself time to grieve. As an "auttie" parent you know that it's an ongoing process, but post-diagnosis is a very rough time. Allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself. Go ahead and wallow. I'm telling you all of this not because you need my permission, but because I understand the process.

I also understand you. After a while, you will rise up like a phoenix. You will take charge of your precious boy. You will continue to pursue therapies. You will continue to be the best mommy you can to both boys because that's who you are. God gave those boys to you for a reason. We don't know why, but He does. Please take comfort and solace in that.

You are their advocate and no one will do a better job than you. In the meantime, I will be your advocate to both you and the Father. Through any help or support I can offer you, to prayers to heaven, I am here for you. We have a love/hate relationship with Autism. It steals pieces of our children, but it gives us back a dynamic we can never have expected. Until you reach that place of peace again, I'll be here for you. And so will God.

In the meantime, take comfort in this verse. It isn't just for you - it's for your boys as well. When I get distraught about Harry, I cling to it for us both:
"I know the plans that I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jer. 29:11

Liar Liar pants on Fire John Edwards!

I'll confess, when he ran for Senate, I voted for him - but only because the other alternative was a horrible man named Lauch Faircloth. I had high hopes for John Edwards. To me he was one of the first ones to come up with the "change" philosophy of politics. Boy was I wrong.

I knew I couldn't trust him shortly after he started as our state Senator. Shortly after he entered office, he started trying to be President just like Obama. With very little experience and an eye turned away from his own state, I just couldn't support him.

He quickly became comical to me, especially when the video of him fussing over his hair more than a teenage girl would appeared.

Then there is this gem from him stating that he didn't like to attend State Fairs because: fat rednecks try to shove food down my face. I know I’m the people’s senator, but do I have to hang out with them?

Now, after the election has come and gone, we find out he had an affair and fathered a child. He spent so much time and effort to cover it all up, cheated on his cancer ridden wife, fathered a child, and still tried to become the leader of our country. Thank goodness enough people had the since to keep him out.

I feel really badly for this child. She has a mom who chased down a powerful man, got him to fall for her, and got pregnant. Her dad is no better, he spent the first 18 months or so of her life denying she was his. Now he wants to "come clean" and try to earn our respect again. Fat chance you big liar. Man up and raise that baby girl without benefit of the press. Try and pass on something good to her and don't use her for more press when your over-inflated ego needs boosting.

And to Elizabeth - I'm glad you are winning the cancer fight. No one deserves that. I don't know why you stood by him and no one probably ever will. It doesn't matter now. Go live your life, be there for your kids, and try not to see this man any more than you will have to. I read in the paper that you got the mansion - good for you. You earned it!

Just for the sake of silly

Ok - so one of my goals this year was to not be so serious. After reviewing my latest posts, I decided that it's time to be more silly. I give you (what I deem to be) an excellently funny picture:

Another one I find funny is this one. Apparently, this little squirrel just jumped in front of the camera as the shot was being taken on auto-timer.

At one point, there was an application called "The Squirrelizer" that allowed you to add the squirrel to any photo. It's since gone into hibernation, but here is a photo that I did of our family. Note how Anna Kate appears to be looking at it!

Got your attention? Good! This isn't about sex in the way you may be thinking - rather it's my free-flowing thoughts about why you shouldn't until you are married. Abbey turns 9 soon, and I have to have this talk with her eventually - so I'm starting to formulate my reasoning to her.

See - I always bought into the idea that you can't tell your kids to do things that you did. But - now that I'm a parent, I think there is great value in being honest about the mistakes I've made.

I hear some of you now - but sex is good, etc. Yes it is - but my experience proved it's better to wait. This isn't a soapbox piece per se (nieces do you hear me?), but rather a brutally honest look at the lasting repercussions of sex before marriage.

I met the guy I thought was the love of my life as a teenager. I had daddy issues (mine had died 4 years earlier), and was angry with my mom. There was a big hole in my soul waiting to be filled. Then HE came along. Oh my - when I saw him my heart stopped. When I realized he liked me I almost fell over. After we started dating, we eventually did the deed. Eventually, I got pregnant. His dad demanded I had an abortion to which I responded he could stuff it. It didn't matter, one week later (on Mother's Day) I had a miscarriage. This has followed me the rest of my life. Oh yeah - I also found out 5 years later (after being completely abstinent) that he gave my chlamydia thank you very much.

So why am I thinking about all of this now? Because he recently had another child. I know this because I am still friends with his mom and we are FB friends. While he already had a few kids, the baby was born a few weeks ago. I've seen pictures of him with his children holding his new son and beaming.

Still - 23 years later I feel the sting of our loss and I feel the pain of our breakup. I felt a lot like Bella in New Moon when Edward left her. In fact, I wept during the scenes of her waking up screaming from nightmares because I could relate to the pain she felt.

While we were in the midst of the end of our relationship, I became a Christian. This was a demarcation line in my life. When my life in Christ started, life with Darryl ended. In my mind, I know he's grown up, had his own struggles, and had his own kids. So did I. But somehow, in my heart, he remained that idealized boy that was my first love, who broke my heart, and left me with a loss that will always be there. I look at those photos and wonder if he even remembers. Harry and I have lost a child as well and we still think about it and talk about it from time to time, but I swear I think about her almost every day 5 years later.

This is why I am against sex before marriage. It violates a moral belief for me now, but not only that - there is no telling where the relationship will go or what scars you will carry for the rest of your life.

New Year's Resolutions?

New Year's Resolutions? Perfection? Who me? No way!. I am not perfect nor am I a resolution kind of girl. I used to make them and then get disheartened when I broke them, so I stopped.

But, like our pastor said in church today, it is natural to take stock and evaluate your life at the end of the year.

He said a lot today that got to me. He talked about what is it in our lives that stands in the way of our seeing God. What is it that stops us from being joyful in his glory?

Before I knew it tears were rolling down my face. Things have been rough here for the last month or so. It's easy to blame it on Harry and his "issues". We've been so tired - Harry and I just want to sleep to escape things I think. Anyway, it occurred to me during church that the things that keep me from God are my anger and issues with Autism. More importantly, it seems that I am still angry with God because Harry has Autism. This seems to be what makes me so mad all of the time.

I thought I had moved past that part of things, but apparently not. I want to yell about how unfair this is - I don't want a special needs child. I don't want a family divided - raising three different children in three different ways.

But, we all have trials in life. No one is immune. Am I at peace that I have a child with Autism - No. I don't know if I ever will be. Am I learning that it's not a curse? Yes - but it still seems unfair to the child and the family that is afflicted by it. But - I believe in a sovereign God that is in control, so there is some reason that this is our path in life. Note I didn't say mine - it is our family's path. This is but one of many challenges our family will face. But isn't that what families do? They grow together - they love each other - and they deal with what happens no matter what. At least they are supposed to. That's what I plan to tell my kids and teach them.

As for resolutions -I don't have any, but I do have goals.

• I believe that journaling is good for the soul. I intend to do that in the form of a blog this year that is updated more often than every 3 months.

• Try to let go of my anger at Autism and God. Stop taking that anger out on Harry who is afflicted and not able to control the way his brain thinks.

• Stop being so serious all of the time. My kids need to see me laugh more and just be happy.

• Find a way to see the Glory of God in things and not the pessimistic viewpoint I've grown so used to.

Let's see where this journey goes!