New Year's Resolutions?

New Year's Resolutions? Perfection? Who me? No way!. I am not perfect nor am I a resolution kind of girl. I used to make them and then get disheartened when I broke them, so I stopped.

But, like our pastor said in church today, it is natural to take stock and evaluate your life at the end of the year.

He said a lot today that got to me. He talked about what is it in our lives that stands in the way of our seeing God. What is it that stops us from being joyful in his glory?

Before I knew it tears were rolling down my face. Things have been rough here for the last month or so. It's easy to blame it on Harry and his "issues". We've been so tired - Harry and I just want to sleep to escape things I think. Anyway, it occurred to me during church that the things that keep me from God are my anger and issues with Autism. More importantly, it seems that I am still angry with God because Harry has Autism. This seems to be what makes me so mad all of the time.

I thought I had moved past that part of things, but apparently not. I want to yell about how unfair this is - I don't want a special needs child. I don't want a family divided - raising three different children in three different ways.

But, we all have trials in life. No one is immune. Am I at peace that I have a child with Autism - No. I don't know if I ever will be. Am I learning that it's not a curse? Yes - but it still seems unfair to the child and the family that is afflicted by it. But - I believe in a sovereign God that is in control, so there is some reason that this is our path in life. Note I didn't say mine - it is our family's path. This is but one of many challenges our family will face. But isn't that what families do? They grow together - they love each other - and they deal with what happens no matter what. At least they are supposed to. That's what I plan to tell my kids and teach them.

As for resolutions -I don't have any, but I do have goals.

• I believe that journaling is good for the soul. I intend to do that in the form of a blog this year that is updated more often than every 3 months.

• Try to let go of my anger at Autism and God. Stop taking that anger out on Harry who is afflicted and not able to control the way his brain thinks.

• Stop being so serious all of the time. My kids need to see me laugh more and just be happy.

• Find a way to see the Glory of God in things and not the pessimistic viewpoint I've grown so used to.

Let's see where this journey goes!