What's your passion?

Growing up I never had the benefit of pursuing multiple things until I discovered the one "thing" that I loved. My mom and dad put me in piano lessons and that was that. My best friend took dance - boy was I jealous. My siblings played in the high school band. Briefly, I was on the flag corp in my high school. My days were mostly spent consuming pop culture and taking care of my brother.

I have friends that love to run, exercise, scrapbook, take photos, paint, etc. I have never found my passion in life. Why has this become so important now? Maybe because I am almost 40. Maybe it's because I know that I can't continue to consume pop culture and every tasty snack I can lay my hands on and hope to live another 40 years. Maybe it's because I feel like a hypocrite.

I was having a talk with my dd Abbey a few weeks ago. She has had the chance to try numerous things, but still hasn't landed on the "thing" she loves. She's great at lots of things, but gets bored. My husband says we need to make her stick it out for a while, but I have. She's done numerous basketball and soccer seasons. Danced for a year and did gymnastics for a year. She also took art classes after school for a year (which she'll go back to until April has her baby).

I was trying to explain to her why she needs a passion. It's something you can pursue any time. You can actually write something when asked what your hobby is. It's an outlet when you get too stressed. I think some of the reason I struggle with my weight is because I don't have a passion. I end up bored and eating instead of doing other things that make me happy.

Some people assume that because I work with kids and have 3 of my own, that children are my passion. Nope. I love my job and my kids, but goodness knows I need a break from both. Others assume my passion is all things Autism because we know it intimately. Nope again. I need a break from that too. I am passionate about both things, but they aren't my hobby.

So what things interest me? I like to take pictures. I do like to write (this blog is an example). I have a book idea, but no clue how to get started. I've always wanted to take a cake decorating class, but have never been able to carve out the time (probably a good thing with my weight where it is now!). Lately, I've been thinking about taking up the piano again.

I'm not sure what my "passion" or "hobby" will be, but I intend to find out! What's yours?

I know I haven't made peace yet

I know I write a lot about Autism in this blog, but it's one of my few outlets to express my feelings about our struggle with Autism and how it effects our family.

I had the pleasant opportunity to meet Susan Senator recently. She wrote the fantastic book, "Making Peace with Autism". She was exactly what I expected - warm, funny, and sane. Somehow, over the years, she has found a way to make peace with the big "A". I found myself itching to ask her THE question: If you could take away Nat's Autism now, would you? This is a question I think about a lot. My answer is yes.

Lots of parents answer no, that the Autism is what makes their child who they are. To take it away, is in essence, to take them away. I don't feel like that. I think it would help me get to know my son for who he is - I wouldn't have to deal with the roadblocks that Autism throws my way. He wouldn't have language and comprehension issues. We could really talk to each other.

I like to think that I have accepted Harry's autism with the grace that it requires to be able to do such things, but every once in a while, something happens that shows me that I haven't really. The latest thing was an invitation. Harry has been invited to a few "typical kid" birthday parties. It's been fantastic to see the way some of the kids at school have accepted him. This week, he got 2 such invitations. The first was from a child I know really likes him. The second caught me off guard. I was giddy from the knowledge that other "typicals" wanted him at their party.

Now don't misunderstand me on this. Harry has some "auttie" buddies that he hangs out with a lot and has attended numerous auttie parties. These are like an oasis in the desert. I love these kids and their moms - it's not hard and they don't bat an eye when one of our kids is acting out. It is just what it is. My life has been enriched so much by these relationships, but sometimes that specter of acceptance pops up and I have to wrestle through it again and again.

all stressed out and nowhere to go!

So I'm a little stressed out right now. I love my kids - really and truly. Right now we are on summer break and ending our 2nd week of no camps for Harry. For those of you who don't realize what it's like to have a kid with Autism, you can't begin to understand what that statement means. I wish I could be one of those parents that loves the summer break because I get to spend my time with my kids doing wonderful and fun things. The fact is, that's not me. I do love doing things with my kids, but with Harry it's an all-out struggle to keep him stable over the summer.

All of this means that his behavior is deteriorating. He is falling apart. Tantrums, crying jags, scripting, finger flicking, and odd moments of mania have begun. What's the answer? A nice consistent routine of course. So you may ask, "Amy, since you know how bad it can be, why don't you provide your son a nice, consistent routine?". Well my friend, I also have a 2 year-old to consider. She doesn't exactly work on a routine that allows me to keep my 6 year-old busy 8 hours a day without some of her own demands. This is why there is a problem.

With Harry, even if we go somewhere every day (which we do), it isn't enough. He needs to have the same things happening at roughly the same times every day to be truly happy and in his element. With the laid-back pace of summer, that just doesn't happen.

Some may say, "why not put him in camps all summer?" Easier said than done. Not every camp out there provides structure every minute of every day and we can't afford all of those that do. So we make do. Next week he's going to a day camp in Carrboro. I'm hoping for the best but am not at all sure what will happen when he's there.

I heard Dr. Phil say to one family that you reach a point where you say you can't live like this anymore. The problem is, I don't know what to do to change things. With two other kids in the mix, I can't customize a day just for Harry. I do the best I can but feel like I'm losing the battle because I am so exhausted by the demands.

Any ideas?

What was that?

I'm not sure what I saw today, but I feel like I've been run over by a mack truck.

Our Preschool Director was fired this week. From what I've been able to determine, it wasn't because of her job performance, but rather for "personnel issues". We as a staff went to the church to give her support as she said good-bye.

The pastor refused to let her speak, so her husband stood to address the crowd. Then it turned ugly. I won't go into the specifics, but what I saw was not a good witness to the people there today.

I love our director and have been proud to work for her. She is good at her job and I will miss her so much.

The display today worries me more than anything else. What does it say to new believers, or people on the fence. How did today's actions hurt the kingdom? The pastor defended his position, but at what cost?

I am so sad for what happened; however, God is still in heaven and still in control. His plans are what will be the final outcome. Now I will be praying for the people who were there today.  I also want to pray for myself that I will not have a hardened heart, but know I am where I am for a reason.  The families and the children are still what really matters. Showing them God's love and acceptance - not bitterness or scorn or unforgivness. Now more than ever, I'm on mission there.

Which should I rant on tonight?

A few days ago, I just knew what I wanted to rant about. Then today another story hit me from out of the blue. Apparently, a mother in Colorado has killed her 6 month old child because he was showing signs of Autism. She and her husband wanted to have fun in life and knew they couldn't with a severely autistic child. Are you freaking kidding me? Her excuse is that he was showing early signs of it. She didn't want to burden her husband with a - wait for it - POTENTIALLY autistic child. Of all of the selfish things I have heard people do before, this one takes the cake. The worst part is that the pediatrician says the child was developing normally. She placed blankets over his face, then went downstairs to plan a vacation. Well, now she's going to get a certain kind of vacation and it won't be fun.

I don't know if she'll end up in jail or in an institution, but this lady deserves either choice. I'm sure that there is some mental disorder at work here, but that doesn't give her the right to be judge, jury, and in this case executioner.

By 6 months of age, some symptoms can begin to emerge, but a child isn't diagnosed with Autism until they are at least 2 in most cases. There is a reason for that children aren't diagnosed at 6 months - you JUST DON'T KNOW! As a specialist who works with Autistic kids, she should have known that.

Sheesh - now to my next rant. Some of you may have already heard the story about the Saudi sheiks that are recommending women breast-feed males colleagues and acquaintances in order to avoid breaking Islamic law. One sheik says they should pump then let the men drink it out of a glass. Another one says they should get it directly from the source. Are you kidding me??? EWWWWW! What planet do these people live on. I am speechless about this "argument" they are having!

I am so grateful that God has freed us from the burdens of the laws of old by giving us Christ as a sacrifice. I know the Jewish people had to do all sorts of weird things in the Old Testament from watching what they ate to what they wore, but the point was that ultimately man is unable to keep all of the laws, and therefore unable to save himself. Thus, God sent Jesus to fulfill the law for us. I am so glad to have this freedom and not have to listen to men argue about who I should be breastfeeding and how!

"For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death. For what the Law could not do,weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, so that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit." Romans 8: 2-4

Finding your way through

This posting today is for a specific friend out there. She'll know who she is, but if you are not her and are reading, please keep going. You may find something that inspires you when you are dealing with some tough stuff.

This friend is a very close one. She has been my mommy "auttie" buddy for 4 years now. Her oldest son and my son Harry met for the first time at a TEACCH preschool program where we got together to learn the method and learn how to deal with our sons.

She reminded me very much of a dear friend that had moved away recently, so I glommed onto her as a lifeline. Eventually, we became very good friends. We don't always see the world the same way, but I think we are good for each other.

Today she went back to TEACCH with her youngest child. An adorable little boy who just makes you smile when you look at him. She has been concerned since he was born that there would be something "wrong". He did have reflux, he has an eating disorder (poor thing is so thin a strong wind would knock him down), and he has sensory issues. Today, they found out he also has Autism.

Friend - while I don't know your exact pain, I still feel it for you. I know you are grieving again the loss of what expectations you had for him. I know you are angry, heart-broken, fearful, and sick to your stomach. You probably feel like you just can't do this again right now. I hear you.

Give yourself time to grieve. As an "auttie" parent you know that it's an ongoing process, but post-diagnosis is a very rough time. Allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself. Go ahead and wallow. I'm telling you all of this not because you need my permission, but because I understand the process.

I also understand you. After a while, you will rise up like a phoenix. You will take charge of your precious boy. You will continue to pursue therapies. You will continue to be the best mommy you can to both boys because that's who you are. God gave those boys to you for a reason. We don't know why, but He does. Please take comfort and solace in that.

You are their advocate and no one will do a better job than you. In the meantime, I will be your advocate to both you and the Father. Through any help or support I can offer you, to prayers to heaven, I am here for you. We have a love/hate relationship with Autism. It steals pieces of our children, but it gives us back a dynamic we can never have expected. Until you reach that place of peace again, I'll be here for you. And so will God.

In the meantime, take comfort in this verse. It isn't just for you - it's for your boys as well. When I get distraught about Harry, I cling to it for us both:
"I know the plans that I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jer. 29:11

Liar Liar pants on Fire John Edwards!

I'll confess, when he ran for Senate, I voted for him - but only because the other alternative was a horrible man named Lauch Faircloth. I had high hopes for John Edwards. To me he was one of the first ones to come up with the "change" philosophy of politics. Boy was I wrong.

I knew I couldn't trust him shortly after he started as our state Senator. Shortly after he entered office, he started trying to be President just like Obama. With very little experience and an eye turned away from his own state, I just couldn't support him.

He quickly became comical to me, especially when the video of him fussing over his hair more than a teenage girl would appeared.

Then there is this gem from him stating that he didn't like to attend State Fairs because: fat rednecks try to shove food down my face. I know I’m the people’s senator, but do I have to hang out with them?

Now, after the election has come and gone, we find out he had an affair and fathered a child. He spent so much time and effort to cover it all up, cheated on his cancer ridden wife, fathered a child, and still tried to become the leader of our country. Thank goodness enough people had the since to keep him out.

I feel really badly for this child. She has a mom who chased down a powerful man, got him to fall for her, and got pregnant. Her dad is no better, he spent the first 18 months or so of her life denying she was his. Now he wants to "come clean" and try to earn our respect again. Fat chance you big liar. Man up and raise that baby girl without benefit of the press. Try and pass on something good to her and don't use her for more press when your over-inflated ego needs boosting.

And to Elizabeth - I'm glad you are winning the cancer fight. No one deserves that. I don't know why you stood by him and no one probably ever will. It doesn't matter now. Go live your life, be there for your kids, and try not to see this man any more than you will have to. I read in the paper that you got the mansion - good for you. You earned it!