Road trip adventures - part 1

Our road trip adventure began today. Here are a few of the things that I've already discovered:

1. My family is slower at packing than a herd of turtles (if that's a thing).
2. My dog is NOT a good travelling companion.
3. Top speed of our van towing a trailer? 55 or 60 MPH max.
4. Because of said top speed, it takes sooooo much longer to get everywhere.
5. My children can eat. A lot.
6. My husband put a ton of work into getting the van ready for this trip.
7. We have awesome friends that loaned us the camper.
8. When going to a campground, make a reservation. You may get there to find that it's full.
9. If said campground is full, you may have to drive another 2 hours (see #3) to get to the next one. However, when you get there, things will run smoothly, the pool will be open until long after you've set up, and there's a promise of free pancakes and waffles in the morning.

Hopefully the dog will be a better travelling companion tomorrow and we will reach our Florida destination in a timely manner (see #3 again!).

Night all!

it's all about the accomodations...

My like is just one big accommodation lately. I have 3 kids and am finding that I have been accommodating each one of them in new and different ways. Now the reasons are all very good, but I am weary of accommodating.

As I type, I am sitting outside the youngest child's room in an attempt to re-train her out of some bad bedtime habits (i.e. - we screwed up trying to do the right things and now the therapist says we have to do things differently). This is after an hour-long homework routine with said child and the Autistic child and the homework plan we have for each of them. "Why are you working on homework so late?" you may ask. I'll be happy to tell you. This afternoon was spent getting an OT evaluation for youngest and a GI specialist appointment for eldest, so we didn't get home until dinner. Net result of said afternoon? Eldest apparently needs Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for recurrent stomach pain. Fancy talk for eldest needs therapy because she stresses out. Congrats kids - all 3 of you inherited anxiety from the family gene pool.

I try not to feel guilty for being the one to pass on the bad side of the gene pool, but it's to no avail. Their dad has no clue what anxiety is like - but he's super supportive, so that's good. However, not only do I understand, but because I am home in the afternoons, I get to live it out in bright, bold technicolor ways with the children all while squashing my own anxiety down in an attempt to keep my stuff together for just a few moments longer.

That's it. No bang! ending - I'm too tired from all my accommodating.

Looking back

Most people that I know re-evaluate their lives in December as we begin changing the calendar to a new year. I do that too, but the bigger evaluation comes for me in Summer. It's not on purpose - it's just when life brings it around.

I wrote in an earlier post about how our summers are never boring for lots of reasons. I've found myself this week trying to keep my body busy, but not really sure why. I've been pulling weeds in our driveway. In all fairness, it's a long gravel driveway, so there is lots of work to be done. It gives me time to think. My kids have no desire to be outside pulling weeds, so it gives me a chance to be alone. I listen to music, think, dwell, and pray. Today though, I finally realized why I've been so driven this week. Today is the anniversary of when we lost our baby last year. It's also the day before AK's b-day. It's a bittersweet time for me.

Summer is the break in our routine. As a teacher, it's my time off. It's a natural time to reflect and evaluate. Plan for the future while trying to learn the lessons of the past year. And what a year it has been. From losing the baby, to difficult situations at work, to difficult stuff in our private life, it has been a challenging year for my family.

A huge part of me wants to be sad and curl up in a ball. Life is too much sometimes and I feel like I just can't take anymore. But, what if I use this time to be my Happy Mid-Year? Not dwell too much on the hurt of the past. Celebrate where we are, enjoy my time off from work, and celebrate my youngest child turning 7!

Happy Birthday AK!

It's not summer until....

It's just not summer until something happens to our family unit. My memory has faded over time, but the past 3 summers in a row, but our summers are definitely not boring!

Two summers ago, a giant tree fell on our family van totaling it and sending my Autistic son into a spiral of full-on anxiety about storms that we are still trying to help him work through. After a month or so, the family settled on a nice little Toyota Prius. I got teased by my friends about turning liberal because we went with a hybrid, but honestly, we couldn't find a van in our budget that we liked and the idea of a $25 fill up was extremely appealing. The kids fit in the car and we bought it. The Prius has been good to us for almost 2 summers.

Last summer, we lost the baby. That post is here and I can't bear to walk through it again. Suffice it to say, last summer sucked.

So now we are at this summer. It started off like a normal summer until the day of the deer, otherwise known as "día de los ciervos". I was coming home from VBS with 2 of my kids and one of their friends. Out of nowhere, a brown and white blur appeared in my right-side vision then a loud thump. When it was all said and done, we were all just fine in our little, tiny Prius, the deer however, did not fare as well. We got home, I made the phone call to the friend's mom. "Yes, Mrs. S she is fine. Just wanted you to know in case it settles in later..."

Then calls to my husband....yes hubs, I have wrecked the car. Yes, we are fine, but the car is not...

Then calls to the insurance company....

Then we had to decide what to do about the family trip to Florida that was supposed to happen 4 days later. We couldn't take the rental because we only had it until the insurance company settled or repaired. The adjuster came and declared the car totaled. There was rejoicing in my house because, of course by now, the kids have outgrown the Prius.

We borrowed a van and headed to Florida. While there we had more phone calls. The insurance company may want to fix the car instead. They are towing it to the body shop, we'll be in touch. All through the trip we didn't know what would happen to our sweet little Prius. Hubs and I have decided that if they want to fix it, we'll let them, then we'll trade it in for a van. Right now, we don't know what'd going to happen, but since it's summer in our family, it's bound to be interesting!

"What Alice Forgot"

Normally, I don't "write" book reviews. I talk about books a lot with my friends, making suggestions about new ones to read or getting suggestions about ones to try. I read the Goodreads newsletter each month with a pen and paper ready to write down titles of new books to read. I get newsletters from Tyndale house, I read reviews in magazines. I am a bibliophile - I love books. I still haven't completely migrated to e-readers yet, but I have a small stash as my "back-up books". 

I am also not a genre snob - I have my favorites - inspirational fiction, general fiction, YA - yes, I read YA, and some non-fiction. If it sounds good, I'll read it. I also have a tough time quitting a book in mid-read - even if it horrible. There is something about the world that my imagination creates while I read - I can put away mine and fall into one that is completely different for a while. It's always been that way for me. I read so much as a child and it continued as I grew. I married a reader. Some of our children are readers.

My son (who is Autistic), is my only non-reader. He reads books, but they don't have the same power over him. I've been told that it's because Autistic people can't see the pictures in their heads the way other people do. They only see words, so why would reading be a magical adventure for them?

So, I had heard about the book, "What Alice Forgot", and I became curious. The summary is that a woman hit her head one day at the gym and forgot the past 10 years of her life. 

The story is told from Alice's perspective, her sister's, and at times her grandmother's. She was at a spin class, fell off the bike and bumped her head. When she came too, she thought it was 10 years earlier. What she doesn't know is that she is in the midst of a bitter divorce and custody fight over the 3 children. The last thing she remembers, she was pregnant with the 1st and very much in love. 

As you can imagine this leads to all sorts of issues. How do you respond to a spouse that despises you when the last thing you remember is being in love? How on earth do you manage a household full of children you don't remember, but who remember you? How do you live your life? Carry on relationships with people you don't know? And it goes on and on.

A lot of things seem to trace back to a friend of Alice's named Gina. They got too attached to each other - they were overly involved in each other's lives. Alice internalized Gina's issues and redirected them onto her husband. She pulled away from him and then when the pressures of life built, she took it out on him. Not that he was perfect himself by a long shot. It did make it easier for them to separate from each other though.

Watching her try to fight for the marriage during the book is bittersweet and heartbreaking all at the same time. She is still in love with him and he has to decide how he will interact with her. Like the Alice of 10 years ago, or the Alice that she doesn't remember being over the last 10 years.

Through the story, we also learn about the life stories of her family members and their struggles. I won't spoil all of the story, but it is worth the read.

What really got to me are the themes of redemption and forgiveness. The idea of how we change over time. What would life be like for me if I woke up and forgot 10 years of my life. My friends are different now, but my closest ones were still at least 2 years away from my meeting them. Life was so different for me. I had a newborn and a 2-year old girl. Just like Alice, I've lost the friend I was closest too at that time in my life.

Would I like to know the Amy that I grew into? What could I change if my perspective shifted - still holding onto my ideas of my early 30's while living with and interacting with the people in my life today.

I just love the idea of getting that chance to re-frame who you are. Isn't that what God gives us the chance to do repeatedly? As we live for Him, we change and grow - or at least we should. I know my faith was different 10 years ago - but where have I grown calloused over the years? What lessons have I managed to learn? What kind of witness have I turned into for Him? Would the people around me be able to reconcile the Amy I am now vs. the younger Amy? Alice's husband had to put aside a lot of  pain to decide how to interact with current Alice. So did a lot of other people. 

Give it a try. It's not from the "inspirational" shelf, but I bet it will inspire you too  - if you are open to the idea of second chances and recognizing the mercy God grants us to change and mature.

Curse You Monkey's Joe's!

Monkey Joe's has been a staple in my family for a long time. It's a fun place where kids can get their bounce on and parents can chill a bit and not worry about their kids escaping the building undetected.

Yes, there are the occasional obnoxious children that most parents would like to see removed from the jump areas, but it's not usually terrible. In fact, the one annoyance that I've had each time was guiding my children past the snack bar. Occasionally, Groupon comes out with the offers for admission and $4 at the snack bar.

That's where this tale starts. I purchased said deal a few months ago to have in my back pocket for a day that they needed something to do and I was out of ideas. Next week, I have to go back to work for my teacher workdays, so I was determined to make sure the kiddos have some fun this week. Today became the Monkey Joe's day since the weather was crappy, littlest one has some sort of summer cold, and I generally feel like I've been run over by a truck and dumped off a cliff.

We got inside, children were excited, and my oldest headed off to the "grown-up" area for the free WIFI. We even ran into someone we knew. I didn't notice them until she pointed them out to me. There, to my horror, was a bank of arcade games. AHHHHH! I don't know one parent that squeals with excitement when we spy these somewhere. Usually, we all eye roll in unison and do our very best to redirect our children, knowing in vain it won't work.

So, that's where my hell began. The girl had plenty of allowance saved, so I wasn't worried about her - plus, since she's 6, I still have a HUGE say in how she spends it. The issue was the boy. Yes - my Autistic boy who looks at spending money as a national pastime. In one breath, he's going to save his money to buy a new electric train, but as soon as any random thing catches his attention, he's spent the money. When we next venture out for errands, if he has no money burning a hole in his wallet, there are tears, pouting, and general jerkiness towards the youngest. It's gotten so bad, that I've been taking money away each week to save for the last series of Mixels, because he is obsessing about buying them, but if I don't he won't have the money when the time comes. Then we all endure the rantings that equal a teenage girl in all of her melodrama (which is not a fair portrayal of all teenage girls, but you get the drift).

So after the wheedling began to play games, I said in my best mommy voice that they had to pay for them out of their allowance. Quickly, they both agreed, eager to waste their money. Boy and I had a special conversation about what he could spend and not a penny more because we had to go to the shopping mecca of Target also. I've been on the receiving end of the bad behavior mentioned above one to many times to not have him spend his money before we go. Of course, he agreed so off we went.

Not only are they the garden variety arcade games, BUT, you have to get the money loaded onto the plastic card. Did I mention that they charge you $1 for said card? Fabulous right? I didn't even realize it until some nice lady in line told me about it - there is no signage about it anywhere.

Cards loaded, they were ready to go. It took all of 5 minutes to spend the money and rack up the tickets to "purchase" the dollar store junk in the front. Luckily, I was able to distract by pointing them to the snack bar. It didn't take long for the shiny beasts to beckon again. I let girl spend a few more dollars because frankly, she had it. There it began. I knew boy was on edge because he wanted more time with the shiny beasts. When little girl went to check her tickets numbers, he started crying. "It's not fair. Why does she get to play more?" I sent him to sit and her to play.

He was crying like a 2 year-old. I tried explaining. I tried redirecting, I tried telling him he was acting like a baby and that I wouldn't comfort him because he knew the rule. I told him it was ok to cry and to be upset, but that he was taking it to far. I entered "too many words" territory. I tried to stop talking. He ratcheted it up more, so I started threatening punishments.

I don't do that unless I mean it because I can't stand to watch those pushover parents. One day I'll tell yall all about the crying girl at gymnastics on the "pre-team" that is crying each time I go. And mercy, that girl has to practice 3 days a week, 2 hours a day. I don't know how that coach can stand it. I would have banned that child from "pre-team" by now.

Any who, boy was told that he'd lose electronics for the day if he didn't stop. It kept going. I threatened a new one this time, loss of allowance. He paused, but didn't stop. Little girl came and asked me for something, so I announced it was time to go. Boy wasn't having it. It was put up or shut up time, so I reminded him one more time about allowances lost. He cranked up, so I help up 1 finger (indicating one dollar). He screamed and didn't stop, so I held up a 2. By the time we got to the exit, he was on a 5. We got out the front door and he screamed like a banshee. There went 6, on the way to the parking lot and it was 7, at the car it was 8. Mind you, I kept telling him the consequences, but he was too wound up.

Once in the car, it was all about how he'd never love us again and that he was going to leave. I told him we'd always love him, then I asked where he was going to go, he told me in his room forever and ever. He clearly hasn't thought through what leaving forever means - I'm grateful for that. The little girl has threatened to pack up and leave before.

He also told me he wanted to punch me over and over. It sounds horrifying, but it's better than acting on the impulse. We've been working on kicking out at things, throwing things, and slamming doors for a while. After he threatened to hit me, I calmly told him that he better rethink it or things were going to get a lot worse for him.

Eventually, he calmed down. I told him I still loved him. I told him I was never angry (a little untrue). I told him that I was proud he got control. I told him that I understood how scary it was too feel so out of control. I also told him I'd let him do "special chores" to earn back some allowance this week. I am a bit of a pushover when it comes to him. It's the mommy guilt because of the Autism.

I take the easy road and blame Monkey Joe's for those damn arcade games. Mark one more place on my list of places not to go anymore.

Grief the stalker that no one talks about

Grief stalks me like the paparazzi stalks the latest star having a melt down (latest example being Shia Labeouf).

In some ways, it is also like a door-to-door solicitor. I sit and wait quietly pretending I'm not home. Just when I think I've managed to avoid it, it rings the bell until I answer. I don't want to let it in, but it seems I have no choice.

Grief exists in this world just like sin, death, anger, arrogance, and all of the other bad things around. In this life, there is no freedom from these things. Everyone we know will be impacted in some way eventually. The only true freedom will be in heaven one day. Thankfully, God does give us a reprieve from time to time. A chance to experience love, joy, peace, and beauty.

Still, I do not want to visit with grief. I want to pretend it never knocked on my door. It's been at my door too many times already. When I let it come in to visit, I cry. I get angry. I feel the emptiness in my womb.

People will tell you they understand. Meaning to be supportive, they'll say things like "it's for the best", or "most of those babies lost had something wrong and it was a greater mercy". I find out next week if something was "wrong" with my baby. I suspect not. The last one I lost was perfect.

Then there are the people that don't even acknowledge that you've gone through this terrible loss. Whether out of embarrassment because they don't know what to say, or thinking that bringing it up will only make it worse. The ignoring is worse. Where I work, around the same time I lost my baby, another person found out that she was going to have one. I hugged her and told her truthfully that I was happy for her. Yet, from some of the people that I've known for 11 years, not one thing has been said. I don't think they are trying to be mean, but I wonder if they realize how hurtful it is that they pretended it never happened.

While people can empathize with me, unless they've experienced this type of loss, they don't know. They don't understand that as my body changes back - slowly - I weep because I'll never see the benefit of the changes. As my belly flattens back out (well at least shrinks down some), I feel so much emptiness inside. They won't understand that I feel like I've failed in some way because I couldn't nurture and protect this precious life inside. During the recovery of the D&E, I am reminded daily of what I've lost. When I finally think I've finished the recovery process, my body decides that it's not quite over.

One day, everyone will experience the dichotomy of a loving God that allows us to endure this life complete with grief, joy, loss, and love.. Maybe, they will allow Him to grant us His grace as He walks through it with us - probably dragging and carrying us along.

I don't know why this happened. If I try to answer it, I will make myself crazy. The closest I can come right now is the song "Press On". I just try to let grief come in and visit. I know eventually it will leave and I won't have to entertain it again for a while. When it finally goes, I'll see that God did show me mercy and love during this time. That in all likelihood, there are drag marks in the proverbial sand where He was with me.