Feuding Siblings

 Okay, this isn't really a fair representation of my children, but it's close. They don't actually hurt each other, or actively snatch, but that doesn't stop the verbal mess. I know this is some sort of karmic payback from my mom. I can't tell you how many times a day I hear "stop", "I can't see", or the all time favorite of the indignant "HEYYYYYY". 

My youngest frequently tells me and other people that her brother doesn't love her. Yet son gets along fabulouly with the older daughter. The fabulous doctor says it's because my son (with Autism) doesn't see that the younger daughter has anything to teach him, so she is in effect, useless to him. This breaks my heart. Younger daughter is very sensitive and I hate her thinking her brother doesn't love her. But secretly, sometimes I think that son is being a butt. Not that daughter is innocent, but most times she doesn't seem to be trying to irritate him. Her simple presence seems to irritate him.

There are some days I feel more like a referee than anything else. I've tried tuning them out. I've tried ignoring. I even tried the "get along shirt". They tore it. Enough said.

Then there are the times when I see son trying. Like the other day when he shared his Smarties with younger daughter. Granted, he prefaced it with "I don't really like these", but then he said "I'll let her have then instead". There are days when he would have eaten them to spite her, or he would have offered them to anyone else but her. 

I love summer because it's my time off (I teach), but I hate the fact that I have to constantly entertain my kids and referee the arguments. Don't even get me started on how much they want to eat. All. Day.

Before you start saying that no one needs 12 weeks off in a row, let me tell you, I bust my butt. I work weekends trying to lesson plan. I am always prepping for class, or another program, or an open house, etc. I love my job, but non-teachers have no idea what kind of time and money we spend in the education of their darling children. I wish there was some way that teachers could be off, but their kids still be in school. Sort of like a second-string teacher line-up.

Could someone get on board and get others thinking that's a great concept?

Shame and freedom

I have worn shame like a coat for most of my life. Shame for my own actions, shame because of things done to me by others.

The latest round started a few years ago. I was suffering terrible back pain. The doctors at the ER dismissed me, sent me home barely able to walk with a "follow-up" to a specialist. He could not find the problem, so I was shuffled around some more. A few months later, I resigned myself to asking for a referral to a pain clinic. There, one doctor found a source and treated it, yet the symptoms continued. After he began suggesting more and more ridiculous ideas, I decided I would try one more time for help at a nearby hospital. Fast forward several months and a cause was found, treatment was given. The rest I will live with for the rest of my life, but I was finally mobile and gaining strength. The shame I felt that year was immense. Even though a cause was found, I felt trapped by it.

All seemed fine for a year or so. Then one day, the week of Halloween last year, I suffered a stroke. After going to the nearest ER (yes, the one that shuffled me off a year later), I was sent home and told to follow-up with a neurologist. My physician sent me to someone outside of the hospital system. There, I could see the skepticism in his eye (an MRI was never done at the hospital, only a CT). In an attempt to appease, he recommended an MRI, but suggested that I was suffering from Conversion Disorder. For those of you that don't know what that is, it's the modern name for hysteria. Basically, my mind was so broken, it was mimicking symptoms of a stroke.

We left the doctor that day in disbelief. God bless my husband who refused to accept this disorder. At the urging of a good friend, and the recommendation of a therapist, I had the MRI done a few days later. I can not describe the crushing weight of shame I felt. So many people were trying to help my family, praying for us, bringing meals, etc. I felt like had betrayed everyone because I was broken. I didn't deserve the love, care, or prayers. When the results came back that, yes, I had indeed had a stroke, I knew I should feel vindicated, but I didn't. I still felt like I let everyone down somehow. That I was in fact, so broken mentally, that things would never be the same.

Fast forward 8 months. I have mostly recovered. I still feel the shame and battle it even now. Then came the next round of news. I found out I am pregnant. It was not by design, but deep in my heart, I knew it was meant to be a blessing from God. Yet, I still felt shame. The doctors warned me not to get pregnant. The list of medical issues and risks are long. The reactions from people were shock and then the timid questions about how I felt about it. I tried to keep in my heart that God ordained this and He had a reason for this also.

Yesterday, I told one more person because I knew that my youngest would tell her friend. To my surprise, this mother's her face lit up and she told me how happy she was for me. I was stunned. This was not the reaction I was expecting. I have braced myself for the looks and the questions. Yet, here she was, handing me a lifeline saying all of the things I had been telling myself. When I saw her today, I told her how much her support meant to me - I even started to cry. On the way home, I mulled over the conversation. Her total belief that this was a blessing and that things would be ok. That she was excited to be able to watch the progression of the pregnancy. She was celebrating for me and genuinely hoped that I would be free to enjoy it also.

I felt bad that I had let myself fall into the pattern of letting others dictate, to some extent, how I felt. I started to ask the Lord, why I have felt so ashamed all of this time. I began to recognize the pattern over the course of my life.

During this 2 year period of my life, I have taken great solace from a passage from the Bible. There was a father whose child had been tormented for years from a demon. He asked the disciples for help, but they were unable to cast it out. The father asked Jesus, that if he could do anything to help, to please do so. Jesus responded that all things were possible if you can believe. To that the father cried out, "I believe, help my unbelief". How many times have we done something similar? Faith allows us to believe, but the mind and other people erode that belief.

I have struggled with my unbelief. I believe Jesus can do anything - but mainly for other people. I carry my baggage somehow believing he can't really help me. What arrogance on my part. How am I so special, that even the Lord of the universe can not help me? Yet, He is patient and loving and waits for me to come back to Him, crying out, "I believe, help my unbelief".

So today, I asked Him to free me from the shame. Help me live with the knowledge that I AM free. To see the lingering physical problems from the stroke, not as a curse of shame, but of a blessing to remind me of His grace and mercy. To accept that He has already set me free. There is no room for shame in His story for my life.

Then the quiet urging came, "You are already free". Just like the prisoners in the Bible that were unchained by the angels, I have to take the steps out of the prison. I am at the doorway now, trying to make my feet move forward. I think I see the other side now!

Father's Day ideas

So Father's Day is coming and I'm trying to accomplish the gift aspect of it cheaply, while still putting some thought into what we give him as a family. Harry is honestly the best dad I know. I know, I know - almost every wife says that, but I truly mean it. From the start, with child number 1, he has been hands on and loves it so much. So to honor him, I want to do something special for him. Below are links to the things I have decided to make for him (from me and the kids - with their help of course!). I can't begin to tell you how many hours I have spent on Pinterest trying to narrow this down!

A book about the world's best dad. All this needs is a cheap 4x6 photo book, scissors, washi tape, a printer, and a stapler.


Make your own t-shirt. He actually asked for a new photo shirt from the kids, but I am going to have each one of them create a drawing for him, then use iron-on transfer paper to make the shirt. So he'll end up getting 3 different shirts all reflecting each child's artistic ability. Should be interesting since they range from 4 - 12.

A mustache jar I think this is such a fun idea. Since he likes savory more than sweet, I am going to fill the jar with Combos (one of his favorites). All you need for this is a jar, something to go inside, and a printer.



A subway art print. All you need is a printer and a frame.



And last, but not least, what's a special day without a card? I've downloaded a few choices and will print on card stock. I will try to find a "brownish" card stock like the picture because I think it looks good. I'd also like to go back and print the 'stache printable on a brownish stock also.

Kid cards:


and one from me:



And there you have it - my roundup of our Father's Day ideas for 2013!

Teacher Appreciation Ideas

As the chairperson of the PTF (Parent Teacher Fellowship) at my children's school, I have been tasked with Teacher Appreciation each year. In years past, this was just a luncheon along with gift cards to show them how much we appreciate what they do. Seriously, the teachers don't get paid enough. It's a tough job and I am personally grateful to them all for what they do on a daily basis.

This year, I asked for volunteers to help me ramp it up a bit. A few folks came forward and we started the brainstorming. We ended up with theme days for each day of the week and the big lunch on Friday. This year instead of hosting lunch at a home, we are sending them out to a sweet local place called the Small Cafe.

Here were our theme ideas along with what I personally am doing with them.

Monday: "A rose is...": Have your child draw a flower, make a flower, or bring a live flower to their teacher.
I had seen this cute idea to make flower pens, so I thought I'd try it. The original craft I had seen involved wire cutters and strippers. The one I linked to was more like what I did, only instead of using a glue gun, my daughter and I decided to use double sided duct tape to stick the pen in the barrel. I think they turned out nicely. I found pots at Target in the dollar section and the river rocks at the dollar store. Ribbon came from AC Moore. I printed out a note saying, "Thank you for helping me grow this year." and attached with the ribbon. The ribbon kept slipping off the pot, so I used glue dots to hold it on place.

Tuesday: "Super Sweet": Have your child bring a sweet treat to their teacher.
For this one, I found glass jars at AC Moore, but they weren't what I was looking for, so I found others at Dollar General - only I figured out that I didn't have enough to give to the preschool teachers too. So for preschool I used the ones from Dollar General, and for the older kids, we went with mason jars. I filled them with a combo of regular M&Ms and peanut butter M&Ms. The note for this one says, "You are Marvelous and Magnificent". Using the same ribbon from Monday's project I attached it to the jar.

This project turned out to be more expensive than I anticipated because of how large the jars were. I had to use 10 bags of M&Ms to get them all filled, but the teachers are worth it.

Wednesday: "Write it down!": You and/or your child can write a note to your teacher telling them something that made this year special, or expressing a special wish for them.
This one is easy. Some blank note cards and thoughtfulness are all it took.

Thursday: "Fruit of the Spirit": Bring in some fruit for your teacher. We sent in grapes in a disposable container with the saying "We think you're grape" attached.

So I'm late posting this - by about 2 months! The appreciation event was a hit. Our teachers loved the ideas and basked in the daily surprises.

Like a kick to the gut

It comes out of left-field. You are plodding along in your life, when "BAM!" something comes along that leaves you feeling like you were just kicked in the gut.

Happened to me last night while I was looking at my Facebook updates. A fb friend posted an update about how she had 4 boys going to Chuck E. Cheese's for pizza and then back to her house for a sleepover. Pretty routine - unless you know what I know. That her son is a boy that my son considers a friend. He's wanted to have play dates with "Bob" for months, but I never got around to scheduling them.

"So he wasn't invited, what's the big deal?", you may ask. It's not this incident, it's the situation as a whole. Harry (who has Autism for those of you who don't know), longs to be included. He thinks the kids in his class are all his friends and he wants to hang out with them. The truth is, after a full school year, not one of the other 9 kids in his class has ever asked him to come over and play. He's only been invited to one party and that's because we were friends with that family before they started at the school.

Harry is just aware enough of social connections to long to be included and to feel the sting of not having all of these friendships. It just gets worse as he gets older. He doesn't think of himself as different, unique, {insert whatever word you want there to indicate he has Autism}. Harry just wants to be accepted, loved, and sought  out by other kids.

I'm left feeling guilty now. If I had encouraged a friendship with Bob, would this Facebook status had turned out differently? I don't know. It's hard for me to have his typical peers over, because I am afraid of their rejection of him. I know that I could work it out here in my home and try to foster love and acceptance, but just like it hurt me to be rejected by kids growing up, the pain in this case is multiplied by a factor of 10 because they are rejecting my special son who wants to much to be accepted.

I think now that I will need to suck it up. Plan those play dates when we go back to school. Try to foster these friendships and see what happens from there.

Updating a tween room

So my oldest daughter turned 11 in January and one of the things I promised her was that we could update her room. New paint more specifically. The room had been painted purple with yellow wall accents when she moved into it at age 3. I had been inspired by home decorating shows at the time and thought it would be fun to personalize her room. Did I mention that I'm not terribly creative? My accents switched around at the various junctions in the room and looked like a big mess, but it was her's. She also developed a bad habit of writing on the walls in sharpie!

So I had one guy come and quote the job because I am one of the world's slowest painters. He wanted $250 plus materials including an oil based primer, and it would take 2 days he said. Too much for me, so I started to resign myself to the idea that I would just do it myself. Then I found a second guy to quote the job for me. $100 plus materials and 4 hours max. I jumped on that faster than you can blink. 

The pictures below show the process of moving everything. This is much neater than she normally keeps her room. 

An added bonus was that I got to pull out all of the junk and state that it wasn't coming back into the room until it was properly sorted. I'm a little nervous that I'll find her on Hoarders one day. Not because she can't let go of stuff, but she seems completely unmotivated to do so.

As you can see, the youngest was very excited about the changes and had to insert herself whenever she could!

So the room is repainted now and she is moving back in. Just yesterday, from the things I stored in her closet, we threw out 5 bags of trash and an unspoken number of empty Lego boxes.

The pictures below show the new color and furniture placement. We are still moving things back in from the bathroom where I stuck them to get them out of the way. She found curtains online (in lime of all colors), but they are out of stock. Eventually, she wants to have this over her bed too. By the way, she chose her color before I showed her these ideas.

I've also got a friend that's planning to help me make a window seat cushion for the window-seat area. I'll post more photos as we continue to add to the room.

Other plans include adding some shelving for her special treasures where we can since that room has such a strange shape.

I'm looking at this rug for the area in front of her bed or the small love-seat.

I'm amazed at how much brighter it is in there and how much larger it looks. Maybe that's due in part to all of the stuff being out!

It's all coming back to me now

Lately, I've begun to remember something I had long forgotten. It may not seem like a big deal, but to me it is. I've begun to remember what it is to parent a "typical" preschooler.

See, when Harry was a toddler/preschooler, our lives were upside-down crazy. I was worried about if he'd ever talk, could he be potty trained, would he ever be able to leave his teacher Ms. Diane and go on to a mainstreamed classroom. The list goes on and on. I remember mourning the loss of not being able to have the intimate parent/child relationship that I had with Abbey.

What I didn't realize is how much that time in our lives scarred me. See when Abbey was this age, it was all breezy and easy. Sure we had our struggles, but nothing compared to seeing Harry through those years. Parenting came easier because I could actually communicate with her without printed schedules. We could have back and forth conversations that actually made sense and weren't only about her current obsession.

Anna Kate is at the age now where the differences are so striking compared to Harry. I find myself slipping back into the more familiar pattern of parenting. We have conversations (and she talks a lot!). She is interested in everything around her, wants my interactions, craves our attentions.

I love my son dearly. I hate having to sort through the filter of Autism. Constantly on my toes looking for ways to help him understand things he should have gotten long ago. It's not because it's more work - although it is. It's the constant worry about how he will manage in life. My girls will be fine - of that I have no doubt. It's not even that I worry that Harry will live with us for the rest of our lives. It's the fear that he will not be able to be alone. Who will help him when we can't?

I know that God knows and I'm supposed to take it to Him. I do. As a parent though, I can't turn that part of my brain off. I actually feel guilty in some ways for being so relieved at the easier form of parenting that comes with Anna Kate. We do struggle - but I know I'll be able to get my point across to her somehow - or with time she'll eventually get it. The question is  - will Harry?