Caught Unaware

Tonight while I was at church, I was caught unaware by an overwhelming feeling of grief. I realized that I haven't really allowed myself to grieve what happened at our former church this summer.

I posted earlier this summer that our pastors had resigned and this had caused quite a bit of turmoil in the church. Our own lives were personally affected by this as we are friends with both sets of pastors. All of a sudden we were watching our friends leave and not sure why. Over the summer we made numerous attempts to get to the answers, but really, only God knows the whole truth. I feel like we have enough of it to know what we needed to, but the last 4 months have been very difficult.

I had to take on a larger role than I wanted to at church, my husband took on more responsibility as we began trying to decide whether to stay or go. It came down to if we believed the church would be able to continue on mission as we knew it, or if that mission would begin to change. We also watched our friends endure a ridiculous amount of slander from people that didn't even know them. Horrible things were said about them, assumptions were made, and they are trying to recover from the personal damage they endured during all of this too.

We decided that for our family's sake, we would move on to another church. So began the process of looking. That turned out to be harder on one of our children than we imagined. I won't say we've found a new church home, because that's actually a painful thing to say, but we have found a place we are visiting on a regular basis. It's still not "ours" though. We walk through the door relative strangers. I don't know the folks names as I come in the building and we don't have a small group. There are remnants of our former church still meeting as a small group, but I'm not sure how much longer that will continue.

So why the grief? I had memory flashbacks of small group at our pastor's home. The honesty, the care, the laughter. I miss hearing him preach. I miss walking into that building and seeing all of the faces that I grew to love. I almost miss pushing around those big black moving cases from Portable Church. More than anything, I miss the feeling of community. The can-do, we're on mission attitude. I miss having a church in our county that cared about our county and the world around us.

I struggle with why God allowed this to happen. What the bigger plan is. How come we finally found a good place - close to home - that allowed us to serve - and now it's gone for us.What's next? Why were our friends put through this? What possible good is going to come from it? What will happen to those of us that have left that church - will we be able to maintain our community apart from the binding influence of Sunday worship? What about those that have chosen to stay? What will that church look like 6 months from now? 1 year from now?

Good did come from some of what happened this summer. My husband took on more of a leadership role in our home and in the church during the process of the aftermath. I learned that I had grown past my dependence on a person to be my representative for a relationship with Christ. I was strong enough to have one on my own even when the people around me let me down. We did strengthen our relationships with a few other folks from the church - some of which still attend. I know I've grown personally through this process, but it hasn't been easy.

There have been days where I wanted to yell and scream at God and certain people. To release my frustration and disappointment at how they have behaved. When I heard some of the more ridiculous things being said about my friends, I wanted to lash out. If I were younger - I probably would have, but thankfully, I have learned some temperance over time. I am still angry about some things. A good friend told me that it was ok to be angry when she saw me trying to bury it under the pious pretense of not becoming resentful and bitter. She told me to embrace that anger and take it to the Lord because only then could He transform it. She was right - she usually is.

I guess the glimpse I caught tonight means I still have unfinished business to deal with in myself about everything. Just because I left it doesn't mean I've dealt with how I feel. I've just had to stop seeing it week to week. I think it's time to settle into this feeling for a while and learn to make peace with this too.

School is back in session!

So school started today for all 3 kids. Most of the other children we know started back 2 weeks ago, but our kids go to preschool and private school which all start after Labor Day. It's been a loonnnggg summer. With that said, I post a link to a great commercial that should have won some kind of award! Enjoy!

http://youtu.be/fwcYbo7pjto

Summer 2011

Typically, our summers are no big deal. We rarely vacation because of Harry's work schedule. I usually have the kids in lots of camps or Vacation Bible Schools as we tick the days off to going back to school. Summers are usually tough with an autistic kid. He craves a regular schedule and it's hard for me to provide that for him with two other siblings in the home. We go to the pool, parks, museums, run errands - everyday we have to do something. There's no lazing about for us. That's why I'm not such a big fun of summer. Well, one of many reasons.
I had high hopes for this year. Harry got a spot at Camp Royall again, we had some good day camps lined up, and next week, Harry gets to learn to surf with Surfer's Healing. Abbey went to her first overnight camp and had fun with her friends. Imagine how I felt when my summer began falling apart. So many things have happened that have come out of the blue for us - I feel like this is the worst summer I've had since the summer my dad was dying. Yes - it's been that bad. So what's happened you may ask. Let me see if I can recount it all.

1. Our Pastors left our church. Not a big deal you may say - you don't know us or our church if that's what you think. We had finally fit ourselves into a great groove with our church. Finally started making friends again, and we are actively serving in the Children's Ministry. In early July, it all came crashing down. Without benefit of gossip, our pastors decided to leave because of ongoing conflict with our elder board. Now we've lost people we are close to. Our church has no leader, we are struggling with our ability to trust the leaders that are left, I've taken on more work than I hoped to as a volunteer with our Children's Ministry, there are so many lies in the community about what's happened it makes me nauseous. Should I go on? We feel like we've lost family members. Church - my last bastion of peace is now a crumbled mess as those of us who are left struggle to figure out how to move on now. I don't know what's going to happen over the next few months. We have no pastor, and a volunteer team of people trying our best to salvage our children's program. Friends have left the church and more probably will.

2. A child I have known since she was 2 died in an apartment fire in Chapel Hill. She was Autistic and an only child. I can't imagine what this is like for her parents.

3. I've watched scandals and betrayals play out among friends and even national leaders. This seemed to be the summer of betrayal for lots of people I know. Close friends have been hurt by the actions of others who seem to either not care what they've done, or are so unaware that it scares me.

4. I've watched a close friend struggle with working with her Autistic son this summer. He learned bullying behavior at school and she's had to help him re-learn what is ok and what isn't. He still has his moments, but it seems to be getting better. The downside is that he returns to school in a week with the bully still in his classroom.

5. Several friends have lost their jobs this summer. I hurt for them and remain in a state of paranoia about what will happen to us if one of us loses our job. I know God is my provider, but it's scary to think about what would happen without our incomes.

6. I've been watching Harry regress for several weeks now. It's not been all at once, rather a gradual creeping in of things. He's not making as much eye contact with us, his stemming behavior has ramped up, he seems to always need to be moving around and going somewhere. He crumbles if I tell him we have a plan for the next day and it changes. His language is not as fluent. We're trying to combat this, but the only thing that will really help is returning to school. Did I mention he starts a new school this year and they won't begin until after Labor Day?

7. Yesterday, we lost our dog of 17 years, Lucy. She has been in constant pain for weeks, not eating, and refusing to go on walks. It was her time, but that doesn't make it any easier. The kids were sad and confused, but it lasted for about an hour. For me, the grief is just now hitting hard. Lucy was a sweet dog, independent to the end. She loved my husband more than me and it's just how it was. I picked her though when we went to the shelter that day and she and I coexisted together. Lately, she had begun making the Perry the Platypus noise when she wanted our food. It was very funny to see. I hated watching her lose her hearing and her ability to walk.

There have been some bright spots. Days of exploring museums with the kids, good friends just celebrated the birth of their baby after a traumatic pregnancy. Another friend has finally gotten pregnant after trying for months. New friendships have been forged and strengthened through the church tragedy. I know there are lessons that I am learning from this summer, but it's hard to put them into words right now. Perhaps next summer, I can finally write a blog about what this summer has netted for me in personal growth.

God is our redeemer and pastor. He alone knew all of this was coming and knows what is to come. I'm glad I put my trust in Him, because people will always fail us. Even those closest to us, because they simply can not fill that God-shaped hole in our heart.

Yes, I'll be glad when summer is over - but I am more than a little reluctant to think about what Fall is going to bring.

New Season in Life

In our church small group, we recently started a study of a big titled "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality". At first, I thought "this is nice". It sounds like something people really need right now. Boy was I in for a rude awakening.

I believe that God brings different seasons to our lives. Sometimes they are for teaching, growing, rest, or whatever. Only He really knows. Little did I know that this would be one of those growing times.

The book starts out explaining how we can't have a healthy spiritual relationship if we don't have a healthy emotional life. Very few of us come out of our family of origin unscathed by something. Some are worse than others. Mine was worse. Having seen my share of therapists and having said my share of prayers over the last 20 years, I thought I had dealt with all of my issues and was in fact, fairly emotionally healthy. But just like an onion has many layers, so does our psyche. I think God moves through each layer as we can handle it, allowing us time to heal and regain our footing before peeling off another one. It isn't an exercise in masochism as much as it is an exercise is helping us achieve wholeness - well as much as we can this side of heaven. If we are blocked emotionally, we can't be fully open to Him spiritually.

Last week we had to journal for a few minutes as a group about what makes us sad, angry, disgusted, etc. Also, we were supposed to write about what excites us. I couldn't write anything for that, but had plenty to say about everything else. To make it worse, it's all stuff that is completely out of my control.

I have moments of happiness and excitement - but I don't live my life in that state of being. I've come to realize that I live my life locked up - afraid almost to experience it because I'm used to hurt and it seems like that is the more common theme that runs through it.

After having dinner with a friend last week, I came to realize something else. I think I live that way because I couldn't really depend on my parents. My dad was sick most of my young childhood and died when I was still young. My mom pretty much emotionally abandoned me after that. All I had was me. I spent my life learning to build a pretty thick wall and a pretty strong self-reliance. My defense mechanism is to shut down and shut out.

People talk about God as Father, but I don't really get that. Intellectually, I do, but on a gut level, I don't yet. Now I think I am starting to understand why.

Today I pastor preached about our longing for home. That need to be where we belong and are accepted, loved, etc. I had moments of that as a child and try to create that now. But the truth is that we all have that longing in our soul. What we have here is just a hint of what we will have in heaven.

So now we continue the study and I try to assimilate the new knowledge and figure out how to change the behaviors and processes I've developed into new ones. I want to achieve that emotional health because I really do want to be spiritually healthy too.

It's sorrow for those left here

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." C.S. Lewis

A good man died today. His name was James Poe. He is among the first of our "peer group" to go, although he was older that most of us. He had surgery for a hernia a year ago that went wrong. Somehow, his liver ended up being injured which led to numerous illnesses. He has been in and out of the hospital ever since.

He has left behind a wife and 2 children. A daughter in college and a 12 year-old daughter. We worshipped with them all for a time until they decided to attend a different church. I work with his wife. She has been an inspiration to watch over the last year. She has maintained her faith and held fast to it while watching her husband do the same. Now she must continue the journey they began together - alone.

It's all so cliche about how there is no grief in heaven and how we should rejoice when our loved ones go to heaven, and that's true. But there is the day in and day out that begins to creep in. The heartbreak and loneliness. Your partner not there to talk about the day with. Though you know the one you love is safe, healed, happy, and loved, you are left to carry on during this walk on earth. Now she has to help 2 girls walk through the loss of their father. She can do it. She has the faith and the courage. But she will need help and prayers.

I have a besty that I joke with from time to time about being the next wife for my husband should anything happen to me and her husband. I half mean it because I think they would be a good fit and I want someone to look out for him and my kids. Goodness knows he and I have discussed all of the contingency plans of what I'm supposed to do in the event he should die before I do. He's taken out a life insurance policy on me because he knows how expensive it will be to hire someone to do my "job" around here. I'm sure most couples have these talks. Now with the passing of James, it seems a little too close to home. Our distant "plans" could actually have to be put into effect one day.

C.S. Lewis is right, grief does feel like fear. For Kathryn and her family, they'll be in our prayers and we'll do what we can to help them through.

It isn't Facebook itself...

I've decided that I am just about done with Facebook. When I first started, I was very careful about who I "friended". Then I started accepting requests from people I knew, but sometimes only remotely. I am always careful about what I post - what you post stays out there for everyone to see. If you delete it  - chances will be that someone saw it anyway. I never post anything I wouldn't say to a roomful of people.

When I was in Junior/Senior high, I was subjected to lots of drama by my "friends". Hurtful things happened and were said which left me feeling powerless. I was afraid the same thing would happen on FB, which was why I avoided people I didn't know, etc.

Since this is public forum, I won't go into the details, but things made it back to me this week regarding a post by a "friend" on Facebook, but someone I know in real life as well. The post - while I never saw it, from what I was told, was hurtful and mean depending on the interpretation of the acronyms and context.

She misunderstood a situation and reacted which caused drama and stress for me and her. Once again, I find myself feeling like I did as a teenager and am hating it. Clearly, I have issues, but I REALLY wanted to leave drama behind. This person and I have talked and we'll move past this, but the wake of the event is there and has to be dealt with. People tell me I take things too seriously, but this is who I am.

Even though she has "unfriended" me (not the first person to do so, but at least I have an explanation this time),  but it got me thinking. Why is FB important to me? Why did I get an account in the first place. What do I want from it? Really, I wanted a way to quickly connect with people I knew, friends, and family. Share funny stories, cute pictures, etc. My friends list has grown too large and I've done some trimming. Mostly people I haven't had any direct contact with in a long time. I gave a brief explanation, then culled the list. I may trim out more.

I'm almost ready to delete the account altogether, but then I see things like a picture of my sweet new niece, a word of encouragement from my brother, a zinger from my NY friend, or an amusing quip by one of my besties, then I decide to leave the account active and just enjoy the people I see or talk to a lot. For now at least....

not a happy anniversary of sorts

This was my dad in 1977 sometime around my birthday. The picture isn't totally flattering, but it is reflective of him. He had an infectious personality and seemed larger than life to me. He died on September 4, 1982, when I was 11 years-old.

I  don't think I've ever really chronicled that day in print before. Parts of it are burned into my memory and I'll never forget them. Parts are gone like a mist - I can almost see them, but then they disappear.

His death wasn't a surprise - he had been struggling with various forms of cancer for years. I remember that last summer - he was at the house in a hospital bed in our living room. We had a parade of nurses in our house and my mom was exhausted. Nobody told me how bad it was. In the late-summer, my nephew Nicholas was born. My sister, her husband and new baby moved into our home for a few weeks so daddy could spend time with him. I should have guessed then.

I started 7th grade in the fall at a new school anxious to see a friend that had moved away a few years before. For the first time in months, someone asked me over for a sleepover after the Junior High Football game on Friday nigh (Sept. 3rd). He insisted that I go - I'd been in the house too much he said.

So I went and got into a terrible fight that night with the friend I was so excited to see. It seems she wasn't so glad to see me. The next morning - from the sleepover, I called to apologize. The mom of the girl I was with came to me and said that she was taking me to the hospital - my dad had been brought in. I still didn't get it. I knew it was bad, but had no idea.

Somehow, I got upstairs, but I don't know how. All I remember is seeing all of these family members around. His mom, my momo just looked at me and said "He's dad cha." My oldest brother hurried over to get me and I think I asked if it was true. He just walked me to the hospital room where my mother stood silently. He was there - but he was gone. I remember seeing him, but that's not the memory that usually shows up when I picture him.

I remember being in a courtyard at the hospital with my mom and brother-in-law. She was clutching him and screaming - I could hear the echoes of the building. To this day, I can still hear it.

I remember riding in a car, watching the city fly by as we headed home. I remember thinking that nothing would ever be the same.

There were people in and out for days. We had a big memorial service. My mother cried a lot. My grandmother scolded me for watching TV and my sister fussed back at her reminding her I was still a child.

Then it was all over. People left, I had to go back to school and with that he was gone. Not from my memory, but from my life.

A nurse told us that she had prayed with him before he died to ask Jesus into his heart. I didn't quite get it at the time because my dad was always a religious man. I get it now - she told him the Truth and now he is in heaven and I will get to see him again.

I have so many questions for him. Did he know it was the end? Is that why he sent me away that night? Is he proud of me? My logical mind says yes, but I've made so many mistakes in my life. Has he been watching over me and now my children? What was it like for him when he finally heard the gospel and believed? What was he scared of? How could he have been so positive about a special needs child when at the time, it was looked at as a horrible thing? What were his passions? What was his childhood like? On and on it goes. I want to know the mundane and the important.

I still have dreams about him - that it's all been a big mistake and that he just shows up one day back into our lives. He left me at such a tough age to be a kid. I don't feel like I really knew him (I was the last of 4). But I loved him and thought he was the most powerful man in the world. I was just old enough not to understand that he was human, capable of mistakes and regrets.

I can't wait to talk to him again now that I am grown with children of my own. I can't wait to tell him all about them. How brilliant Abbey is, how much Harry looks like him, how funny Anna Kate is. I can't wait to introduce him to my husband - a man I know he would approve of. I really can't wait to see he and my mom together again. In a place without the worries of the world and the harsh words that can be spoken here. Most of all, I can't wait to be with both of them in peace and love for eternity.